I'm going to include my myspace blog at the bottom of this post, for the shear fact that I want to permanently remember the feelings that I've had the past two weeks, and this is the best way to do it, since I'm contemplating deleting my myspace page since I no longer use it frequently.
I'll never understand why things happen, but I guess that's what makes life worth living. You don't know what to expect, so you kind of have to stick around for to see what's going to happen next. The suspense is too much to take... riighht...
This week has been a kind of epic fail kind of week, just an all around fail. Another down in the dumps, head stuck in a jar, slipped on a banana peel and landed in the mud kind of week. But hopefully, this week turns brighter. I'm hoping for it. Planning for it. COUNTING on it. So it better be!
Some people need time to reorganize after a break up. Some people need to be single, regain who they were, decide where they're going, make a plan of action and follow thru. Separate themselves from their once other half, and build that half back on their own. Me. I need someone in my bed. Now. I know that sounds a bit trite, and probably a bit disturbing. But lets face it, in this kind of situation the only way out is thru and I need to feel vindicated, and pull out ahead of the evil former other half. Even a one night stand at this point would be better than nothing. (Okay, that does sound slightly disconcerting) But I don't need SOMETHING to take my mind off what's going on. I need SOMEONE. So game on. I'm officially on the prowl. That just sounds incredibly disturbing.
Maybe all of this is a sign, a sign that I'm supposed to move to the UK and marry my dream man! I knew I couldn't give up hope of that dream. So I won't. I'm going to make it happen. Just as soon as I escape the torture of fixing up the house and moving on with my life.
I kind of lied before, I do have a plan of action, because I have to have a plan for everything. I don't live on a whim, unless it's a Saturday, and only then do I do things by the seat of my pants, and only then will I do things that I hadn't planned in some fashion of doing. Maybe a trip to the casino is in order. Maybe that would help. I suppose only if I actually won some money, if I went and lost I'd feel even worse, probably not a good thing, eh? So I have my plan, posted on my fridge, and I'm taking steps to accomplish everything on the list, sooner rather than later.
Other than that, I'm going to start updating this thing more frequently. Lucky you. I know. Look for it.
Ninja, Out.
Life can throw you a curve ball, but you can still hit a homerun.
"Every war has its casualties, and every victory it's price. Nothing really changed that night, nothing big at least, just a little piece of something that was never going to be the same, not ever. The thing is, it's hard to tie a bandage with one hand, but sooner or later, we learn." –Kevin Arnold. The Wonder Years
Wow, so life is crazy right now. Like heart racing, head pounding, arms feel like jello crazy right now. So here it is, you said I’d do it, run and tell ‘anyone who’ll listen’ so I suppose I am…
The boy is gone, he’s decided it’s best for both of us. That was nice of him. I really think it’s easy choice for him. Leave me with the house that I bought, because he liked it alot and we needed a place to live, I really didn’t care where we lived as long as it wasn’t where we were living. Leave me with the bills that have been created because of the house, the need for the dumpster, the need to have the front section of property brush hogged, the house power washed, the basement projects that were started and never finished, the bathroom project that was started and never finished…and he gets to go home to mommy and daddy and being again with no baggage, other than his new found ‘friend’… life is funny.
It’s funny that you think you should hate someone, someone who destroyed your life as you knew it without a second thought in the world, someone who took away all your security and comfort, and did it in the most severe form of betrayal. But yet, I laugh, because I can’t hate him. He was selfish, and didn’t want to work thru issues, saw the easy way out and took it, couldn’t man up and leave a month ago when he found someone new, someone who didn’t have the past we have together, instead he’d tread out on the greener grass a little farther each day, deciding that problems were problems he’d like to leave behind, instead of using the communication he told me he was a master of before we started dating. Did to me what had been done to him, what had been done to friends of his, and something he said he’d never do…
Saying it wasn’t because of her, okay, but she didn’t help the situation. Unhappy? Guess what, I was told I was the only person responsible for my own happiness, so how can I be responsible for someone else’s? Maybe I did take everything for granted, but it wasn’t forever, and I tried to show how I felt, in every little thing I did. Maybe it wasn’t the way he wanted it, but it was all I had to give. But how can the unhappiness over shadow the happiness? How did that happen? I’m still questioning that one. Because in all the times that I was unhappy, all the times I didn’t want to be here, I NEVER wanted to be with someone else, and for all the times I reacted harshly, I knew the good always out weighed the bad, and that this too shall pass. There were times I wanted to walk away, times I wanted to pack it all in, but then something would happen, or there’d be a look, or a smile and I’d realize it was all worth it. The sunshine was worth the pain. I didn’t want this to begin; I fought and fought to stop from creating a situation that would ruin a friendship that was amazing. But you can’t deny feelings.
Two years and it comes down to this... it's amazing how fast things can go from forever to never. Lessons learned, that's for sure. I want to hate him. But I don't. I still have a love for him. It’s a sad sorry kind of love, but I'm no longer in love with him, because this boy who said all the nasty things to me, this boy who treated me less than, the boy who said just play it cool and everything will be okay, while he was testing the waters with someone new, playing with my emotions and saying it would all work out, even though he was already preparing to leave, this is not the boy I fell in love with. The boy I fell in love with used to play with my hair, and sing me silly songs, complain about my socks on the couch, and looked at me like I was the only thing he could see, that's the boy I fell in love with, and that boy left me more than a month ago... it just took me a while to understand that.
But I see it now. And I’m picking the pieces up, thankfully I have friends, GREAT friends. And a support system I never knew existed. So the bills will be paid, the grass will get mowed, the projects that weren’t finished will be finished, and I’ll walk away from it all a little tattered, a little torn, but no worse for wear. And I get to do it knowing I tried harder for this than I’ve ever tried for anything in my entire life. I gave everything I had to give, and it wasn’t enough. The cold eyes that looked past me as he gathered his things told me how little I had actually meant. Though the words of the past tell me otherwise, it’s how it ends that lasts forever. Life wasn’t perfect, I realize that, I didn’t make things easier, but I didn’t give up on it either. And nothing is only one persons fault, I made mistakes too, lots of them, but when you see something happening that affects your future, and you try and control the violent spin that becomes the fallout how is that wrong? How is it wrong to want to hold onto something you want? Something that means everything, something that is a part of you, something you can’t imagine living without? So becoming defensive was my reaction, becoming paranoid for good reason was my reaction, it was over before all of that anyway, trying to show my emotion and happiness ended up being too little, too late, and it’s the past. What’s done is done.
It’s funny how in situations like this people inevitably feel sorry for you, and want to fix the situation, but sometimes there is nothing to fix, nothing to mend, the pieces just don’t fit together anymore, the puzzle is unsolvable. And while it’s nice to hear people support you, and want to support your feelings of anger and rage, it’s nice to hear people laugh and joke too, so thanks to Vegas for yesterday, and yes the wedding is in May. And the dresses will be lime green even though you look good in blue. A smile thru the hurt is a good feeling. “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
After he packed his stuff, everybody told me that I was going to be ok. That, it would take a little time, but I would heal. Well, I don’t know if that’s going to happen; not really anyway. . . What I’m feeling right now, it doesn't ever really go away -- not completely. It's not like, I’m going to go back to being the person I was before he left -- that person's gone. It's more like something inside of you breaks and your body finds a way to compensate for it. Like if you busted your right hand, you figure out how to use the left one. And sure, you might resist for awhile because you're angry that you have to learn all this stuff again that nobody else does. Eventually your body takes over and figures it out for you. And your glad. because if it was up to you. . . you'd look at your broken hand forever and try to figure out what it was like before. But we’re built for survival. So that’s what we do.
It’s funny, because deep down I knew this was coming, there were times when walking away seemed like the best thing in the world, but I always turned back around. Always. He lived for a long time not knowing if I was coming or going. It wasn’t intentional on my part, I was very confused for a very long time, I always prayed that things would get better, that he’d compromise in ways that I wanted, not in just the ways he thought he should. I looked at him and I saw the man I wanted to wake up next to in 25 or 30 years. The person I wanted to build a life with. But that person was a figment of my imagination. He didn’t exist. I created him to deal with the person I was left with.
He tells me that things have been bad since the move, I don’t buy it. Things were off and on trouble, bad, good, and great. The bad times are what are easy to point out. And that’s never a positive thing. But the good times existed. They were everyday things. Lots of them. But I’ll let him believe that. If it makes it easier for him. I guess he had a small taste of what it felt like to leave everything you ever knew, and be expected to adjust right away, leaving you feeling left out, ignored, unloved, and taken advantage of.
I was reading a old blog that I posted in response to something he’d said 2 years ago, and it’s funny that looking back, it was like a letter to the future me…
“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.”
So I’m sorry for being Debbie Downer lately, but hopefully this weekend away is what I need to recharge, and refresh. The dogs come back from their vacation on Sunday, and next week starts the new chapter in our new lives. Just me, Libby & Stewie…trying to get the house ready, funny how I have to fix up a house just so I can move out of it. There’s just something backwards about that… go from living in an entire house on 4.5 acres, to living in one bedroom on a horse farm… I’ll be closer to friends and further from the memories. Thanks again, to everyone for letting me ball my eyes out on your couch, in your truck, via text at all hours of the night, on your floor, at your barn, at the horse show… we’re up to 18 hours now… going strong. Funny, it was always my decision to leave, I just never actually left. And like the saying goes, it’s easier to leave, then to be left behind.
Music to drown sorrows/punch a ex boyfriend to:
Wow, so life is crazy right now. Like heart racing, head pounding, arms feel like jello crazy right now. So here it is, you said I’d do it, run and tell ‘anyone who’ll listen’ so I suppose I am…
The boy is gone, he’s decided it’s best for both of us. That was nice of him. I really think it’s easy choice for him. Leave me with the house that I bought, because he liked it alot and we needed a place to live, I really didn’t care where we lived as long as it wasn’t where we were living. Leave me with the bills that have been created because of the house, the need for the dumpster, the need to have the front section of property brush hogged, the house power washed, the basement projects that were started and never finished, the bathroom project that was started and never finished…and he gets to go home to mommy and daddy and being again with no baggage, other than his new found ‘friend’… life is funny.
It’s funny that you think you should hate someone, someone who destroyed your life as you knew it without a second thought in the world, someone who took away all your security and comfort, and did it in the most severe form of betrayal. But yet, I laugh, because I can’t hate him. He was selfish, and didn’t want to work thru issues, saw the easy way out and took it, couldn’t man up and leave a month ago when he found someone new, someone who didn’t have the past we have together, instead he’d tread out on the greener grass a little farther each day, deciding that problems were problems he’d like to leave behind, instead of using the communication he told me he was a master of before we started dating. Did to me what had been done to him, what had been done to friends of his, and something he said he’d never do…
Saying it wasn’t because of her, okay, but she didn’t help the situation. Unhappy? Guess what, I was told I was the only person responsible for my own happiness, so how can I be responsible for someone else’s? Maybe I did take everything for granted, but it wasn’t forever, and I tried to show how I felt, in every little thing I did. Maybe it wasn’t the way he wanted it, but it was all I had to give. But how can the unhappiness over shadow the happiness? How did that happen? I’m still questioning that one. Because in all the times that I was unhappy, all the times I didn’t want to be here, I NEVER wanted to be with someone else, and for all the times I reacted harshly, I knew the good always out weighed the bad, and that this too shall pass. There were times I wanted to walk away, times I wanted to pack it all in, but then something would happen, or there’d be a look, or a smile and I’d realize it was all worth it. The sunshine was worth the pain. I didn’t want this to begin; I fought and fought to stop from creating a situation that would ruin a friendship that was amazing. But you can’t deny feelings.
Two years and it comes down to this... it's amazing how fast things can go from forever to never. Lessons learned, that's for sure. I want to hate him. But I don't. I still have a love for him. It’s a sad sorry kind of love, but I'm no longer in love with him, because this boy who said all the nasty things to me, this boy who treated me less than, the boy who said just play it cool and everything will be okay, while he was testing the waters with someone new, playing with my emotions and saying it would all work out, even though he was already preparing to leave, this is not the boy I fell in love with. The boy I fell in love with used to play with my hair, and sing me silly songs, complain about my socks on the couch, and looked at me like I was the only thing he could see, that's the boy I fell in love with, and that boy left me more than a month ago... it just took me a while to understand that.
But I see it now. And I’m picking the pieces up, thankfully I have friends, GREAT friends. And a support system I never knew existed. So the bills will be paid, the grass will get mowed, the projects that weren’t finished will be finished, and I’ll walk away from it all a little tattered, a little torn, but no worse for wear. And I get to do it knowing I tried harder for this than I’ve ever tried for anything in my entire life. I gave everything I had to give, and it wasn’t enough. The cold eyes that looked past me as he gathered his things told me how little I had actually meant. Though the words of the past tell me otherwise, it’s how it ends that lasts forever. Life wasn’t perfect, I realize that, I didn’t make things easier, but I didn’t give up on it either. And nothing is only one persons fault, I made mistakes too, lots of them, but when you see something happening that affects your future, and you try and control the violent spin that becomes the fallout how is that wrong? How is it wrong to want to hold onto something you want? Something that means everything, something that is a part of you, something you can’t imagine living without? So becoming defensive was my reaction, becoming paranoid for good reason was my reaction, it was over before all of that anyway, trying to show my emotion and happiness ended up being too little, too late, and it’s the past. What’s done is done.
It’s funny how in situations like this people inevitably feel sorry for you, and want to fix the situation, but sometimes there is nothing to fix, nothing to mend, the pieces just don’t fit together anymore, the puzzle is unsolvable. And while it’s nice to hear people support you, and want to support your feelings of anger and rage, it’s nice to hear people laugh and joke too, so thanks to Vegas for yesterday, and yes the wedding is in May. And the dresses will be lime green even though you look good in blue. A smile thru the hurt is a good feeling. “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
After he packed his stuff, everybody told me that I was going to be ok. That, it would take a little time, but I would heal. Well, I don’t know if that’s going to happen; not really anyway. . . What I’m feeling right now, it doesn't ever really go away -- not completely. It's not like, I’m going to go back to being the person I was before he left -- that person's gone. It's more like something inside of you breaks and your body finds a way to compensate for it. Like if you busted your right hand, you figure out how to use the left one. And sure, you might resist for awhile because you're angry that you have to learn all this stuff again that nobody else does. Eventually your body takes over and figures it out for you. And your glad. because if it was up to you. . . you'd look at your broken hand forever and try to figure out what it was like before. But we’re built for survival. So that’s what we do.
It’s funny, because deep down I knew this was coming, there were times when walking away seemed like the best thing in the world, but I always turned back around. Always. He lived for a long time not knowing if I was coming or going. It wasn’t intentional on my part, I was very confused for a very long time, I always prayed that things would get better, that he’d compromise in ways that I wanted, not in just the ways he thought he should. I looked at him and I saw the man I wanted to wake up next to in 25 or 30 years. The person I wanted to build a life with. But that person was a figment of my imagination. He didn’t exist. I created him to deal with the person I was left with.
He tells me that things have been bad since the move, I don’t buy it. Things were off and on trouble, bad, good, and great. The bad times are what are easy to point out. And that’s never a positive thing. But the good times existed. They were everyday things. Lots of them. But I’ll let him believe that. If it makes it easier for him. I guess he had a small taste of what it felt like to leave everything you ever knew, and be expected to adjust right away, leaving you feeling left out, ignored, unloved, and taken advantage of.
I was reading a old blog that I posted in response to something he’d said 2 years ago, and it’s funny that looking back, it was like a letter to the future me…
“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.”
So I’m sorry for being Debbie Downer lately, but hopefully this weekend away is what I need to recharge, and refresh. The dogs come back from their vacation on Sunday, and next week starts the new chapter in our new lives. Just me, Libby & Stewie…trying to get the house ready, funny how I have to fix up a house just so I can move out of it. There’s just something backwards about that… go from living in an entire house on 4.5 acres, to living in one bedroom on a horse farm… I’ll be closer to friends and further from the memories. Thanks again, to everyone for letting me ball my eyes out on your couch, in your truck, via text at all hours of the night, on your floor, at your barn, at the horse show… we’re up to 18 hours now… going strong. Funny, it was always my decision to leave, I just never actually left. And like the saying goes, it’s easier to leave, then to be left behind.
Music to drown sorrows/punch a ex boyfriend to:
Spill Canvas: Polygraph, Right Now
Butch Walker: Best Thing You Never Had
Carrie Underwood: The More Boys I Meet (the more I love my dog)
Kellie Pickler: Best Days of Your Life
Macy Gray: I try
Maroon 5: Better That We Break
Maroon 5: Through With You
Maroon 5: Nothing Lasts Forever
Matt Wertz: Hiding Behind A Smile
Matthew Perryman Jones: Save You
