I should probably preface this with the following is a letter written back in January. It sparks so many emotions in me it’s not even funny. But I need to capture it, because I know how I am, and how often I move, and it will get lost if I don’t get it down here. So, I’m writing this, for you, for me, for him.
The readers digest backstory on this, I let him in again, I know I shouldn’t have, but I’m pretty sure you’ve all heard the saying ‘the heart won’t be denied’ and it’s hard to say no when you’re heart is screaming yes… I led myself into the trap. We’d been talking on and off since I’d made the move from Ohio to Michigan and in December had actually spent part of a weekend together… it was amazing and agonizing at the same time. So much has changed, and so much had stayed the same. And then at Christmas we made plans to get together, to go to a concert when I was in town for a horse show… and then like usual, he pulled the rug out from under my feet a week before we were supposed to get together, telling me he had been seeing someone. The feeling of dread was back, the feeling of being duped, and stupid once again took over. The following is what came out, after a very long cry, and re-centering.
An Open Letter To Boy Who Once Had Me On His Hook,
I’ve learned a lot in the last six months, I’ve learned that I can pour my heart out, tell you I’m leaving town because I can’t stay here without you in my life, but I love you and if you wanted me in your life to contact me… then you blow up my phone, what’s that telling me? You tried to say you just wanted to hook up, but you were also the one who said you can’t have emotionless sex, so bullshit. But no matter how many times you hurt me, I always forgave you. Some would call it stupid, I called it love. But that’s not love is it? That’s a boy using a girl.
Well newsflash, you can’t just sleep with me and expect it not to mean anything to me, you can’t just walk away from me with no regrets or second thought, you can’t just treat me like I’m not even worthy of a conversation – yet you have, you did, you are.
The most important thing this has shown me is that you didn’t love me, you just wanted me to love you. You always disappoint me, it’s kind of our sick inside joke, except it’s not funny. Because that person you love, he can be so nice, then so mean. He can care and protect you, make you laugh, and at the same time play games with your head. And after he’s done with that, he’ll tear your heart out, rip it into the smallest fragments known to man and leave it on the floor, while all you can do is stand there, and you’re numb, because you thought that there was something there, when really there was nothing but a wayward boy out to break a girls heart, because he didn’t know what he wanted.
So why did I come back? Why did I want to make it all work out, get my happy ending? Because the smile in your eyes made some of the lies worth believing. I didn’t understand how you could look at me the way you did, and say you didn’t want to be with me. I didn’t think it was possible.
Out of all the times we’ve played this sick game, this time is different… I don’t think about you the same. I don’t think about you and say to myself ‘I wish he’d love me’ because this morning when I woke up it just clicked… just like that. I realized that you can never love me, you won’t let yourself. But that’s all on you, not me, it was your decision, not mine.
So, let me ruin your life, let me break your heart, then I’ll ask you why we can’t JUST be friends. Let me rip your world into little pieces, let me destroy who you thought you were, and then I’ll tell you, oh I thought you knew that’s what I really meant when we talked.
Obviously I wrote this with the intention of finding the right words to hurt you, the same way you hurt me. But what’s the point? You won’t get it, and even if you did, you wouldn’t believe it. That’s part of your dysfunction. You played the hurt little soldier at first, used and abused by Kate. She had you figured out, that was the problem, she moved on to bigger and better, Bethanne did too, she walked away after college and never looked back. Hell even I saw your issues, I didn’t want to date you, it wasn’t even you I wanted to begin with remember? So suck it up, realize that you’re nothing special, you’re just an asshole and you do asshole things. You bring the drama on yourself, remember that when you’re playing the ‘crazy ex’ card with this new one. Hope she knows how much you like to throw the “L” word around… I mean you told Laura you loved her within a month… and look how well that worked out. I’m pretty sure you don’t know what love is at this point… lust, deception, manipulation, yeah, I think you have those down, but love? You don’t have a clue. I finally got my head clear enough to see the truth.
People have told me that if you love something hard enough things will always work out – those people are wrong.
-Finally Free
