It’s weird, well it is and it isn’t. The ex I wrote about in the previous post, I found out his dad passed away. So, I thought I would be an adult, after over a year of no communication, I wrote him an email, a very short, sweet, to the point email, stating I had heard about his father and was sorry. It contained no amount of emotion leading anyone to believe I had written under any other pretense. It’s not that I expected a grand gesture some kind of long winded reply, or any of the aforementioned feelings, but I did kind of expect a “Thanks”. And I know that’s probably selfish. Ok, it’s really selfish since his dad just died and all (mind you his dad died in November, I didn’t find out until after Christmas) but still, we were pretty much married… a “thanks for thinking of me” shouldn’t have been that far out in left field. And yeah, I’m sure he has a girlfriend, at least I hope we’ve both moved on it’s been forever, but I have no clue who she is, and she should probably have no clue who I was, so responding to a generic email shouldn’t get him in trouble (I’m grasping for reasons he might not have responded here). Like when he and I were dating, and his ex wanted to talk, did I care? Sure it bothered me a bit, but that was a conversation, and I didn’t really care, I didn’t think it was going to lead anywhere, but this, this was a two sentence email that most assuredly wasn’t going to go anywhere, other than what should have been a short and to the point reply.
Do I want to know how his life is going? Well of course, I’m curious, I wouldn’t be human if I wasn’t, and I mean I did love the kid for a few years. But I wasn’t asking for that. I would never ask for that, it would only be okay if both of us were in situations that made it okay.
I’ve been in this totally weird non-relationship, relationship for a year, the last thing I need to do is mess with my mind anymore by adding the ex into the situation. Speaking of, I really do need to end the non-relationship, relationship, because I only use it to fill my time, and he’s eventually going to resent me for it…. If he doesn’t already, and the fact that I don’t really care how he feels just tells me how wrong this whole situation is. This is most certainly reason #598 why I am going to Hell.
So, if I was going to start a goal, it would be to kill the endless road to nowhere, and actually let someone who I might end up liking back into my life.
What I Would Say To My Ex
I should probably preface this with the following is a letter written back in January. It sparks so many emotions in me it’s not even funny. But I need to capture it, because I know how I am, and how often I move, and it will get lost if I don’t get it down here. So, I’m writing this, for you, for me, for him.
The readers digest backstory on this, I let him in again, I know I shouldn’t have, but I’m pretty sure you’ve all heard the saying ‘the heart won’t be denied’ and it’s hard to say no when you’re heart is screaming yes… I led myself into the trap. We’d been talking on and off since I’d made the move from Ohio to Michigan and in December had actually spent part of a weekend together… it was amazing and agonizing at the same time. So much has changed, and so much had stayed the same. And then at Christmas we made plans to get together, to go to a concert when I was in town for a horse show… and then like usual, he pulled the rug out from under my feet a week before we were supposed to get together, telling me he had been seeing someone. The feeling of dread was back, the feeling of being duped, and stupid once again took over. The following is what came out, after a very long cry, and re-centering.
An Open Letter To Boy Who Once Had Me On His Hook,
I’ve learned a lot in the last six months, I’ve learned that I can pour my heart out, tell you I’m leaving town because I can’t stay here without you in my life, but I love you and if you wanted me in your life to contact me… then you blow up my phone, what’s that telling me? You tried to say you just wanted to hook up, but you were also the one who said you can’t have emotionless sex, so bullshit. But no matter how many times you hurt me, I always forgave you. Some would call it stupid, I called it love. But that’s not love is it? That’s a boy using a girl.
Well newsflash, you can’t just sleep with me and expect it not to mean anything to me, you can’t just walk away from me with no regrets or second thought, you can’t just treat me like I’m not even worthy of a conversation – yet you have, you did, you are.
The most important thing this has shown me is that you didn’t love me, you just wanted me to love you. You always disappoint me, it’s kind of our sick inside joke, except it’s not funny. Because that person you love, he can be so nice, then so mean. He can care and protect you, make you laugh, and at the same time play games with your head. And after he’s done with that, he’ll tear your heart out, rip it into the smallest fragments known to man and leave it on the floor, while all you can do is stand there, and you’re numb, because you thought that there was something there, when really there was nothing but a wayward boy out to break a girls heart, because he didn’t know what he wanted.
So why did I come back? Why did I want to make it all work out, get my happy ending? Because the smile in your eyes made some of the lies worth believing. I didn’t understand how you could look at me the way you did, and say you didn’t want to be with me. I didn’t think it was possible.
Out of all the times we’ve played this sick game, this time is different… I don’t think about you the same. I don’t think about you and say to myself ‘I wish he’d love me’ because this morning when I woke up it just clicked… just like that. I realized that you can never love me, you won’t let yourself. But that’s all on you, not me, it was your decision, not mine.
So, let me ruin your life, let me break your heart, then I’ll ask you why we can’t JUST be friends. Let me rip your world into little pieces, let me destroy who you thought you were, and then I’ll tell you, oh I thought you knew that’s what I really meant when we talked.
Obviously I wrote this with the intention of finding the right words to hurt you, the same way you hurt me. But what’s the point? You won’t get it, and even if you did, you wouldn’t believe it. That’s part of your dysfunction. You played the hurt little soldier at first, used and abused by Kate. She had you figured out, that was the problem, she moved on to bigger and better, Bethanne did too, she walked away after college and never looked back. Hell even I saw your issues, I didn’t want to date you, it wasn’t even you I wanted to begin with remember? So suck it up, realize that you’re nothing special, you’re just an asshole and you do asshole things. You bring the drama on yourself, remember that when you’re playing the ‘crazy ex’ card with this new one. Hope she knows how much you like to throw the “L” word around… I mean you told Laura you loved her within a month… and look how well that worked out. I’m pretty sure you don’t know what love is at this point… lust, deception, manipulation, yeah, I think you have those down, but love? You don’t have a clue. I finally got my head clear enough to see the truth.
People have told me that if you love something hard enough things will always work out – those people are wrong.
-Finally Free
Maybe we're not meant to understand...
and maybe at this point that's a good thing!
So I didn't think life could get any nuttier than it was... but alas I was WRONG... dead wrong. So I found out last Tuesday that my place of employment will be shuttering it's door on June 25th. Amazing stuff. So I will be out of a job, with no income, and a house, 2 horses, a car, and all the bills that come with having all of that business... lovely. Soon I'll be knocking on your door asking if I can sleep on your couch, mind you I'll have my two dogs with me as well, so make room!
To be honest maybe this is what I need. A break from reality. Though I guess losing everything you have all at once is a form of reality, maybe not the kind that anyone really wants, but it's probably a form of reality. So all I can do is breathe and try and get through each day. Growing up sucks. This is something I'm actually sure of, and that's the only thing I'm actually sure of at the moment. Oh man Debbie Downer is coming out. Let me shut her back in the closet for awhile... I guess the closet isn't a good place for her, that could lead to all other kinds of connotations, so let's stick her in the laundry room for now, or the basement. That sounds a little better.
Anyway, on a positive note I did get to go back to the burg and do some fun things recently. I had lunch with Zim, who I haven't seen in human form in almost 4 or 5 years. Funny, another life altering choice that I made, and it had been good for us both in the end, but just as life is crumbling on my end her we go back to full circle. Amazing stuff. But I guess people come around for reasons and survival is a good reason to come around. Anyway we had a great bitch fest 09 while eating delicious Texas Roadhouse food, I think our server wanted to kill us since we sat there for almost 2 hours and our bill was only like 20 combined... oh well deal with it! So we made plans for a bitch fest 09 2.0, this time involving drinking and lots of laughing. Good times ahead my friends, good times.
I also was able to give a jumping clinic for the kids at the barn. It was alot of fun and I miss those kids like Whoa. So hopefully now that I am jobless I can get to see them more often. That would be awesome. Considering 4 of my kids are running off to college at the end of the summer... oh man I feel old!
In other news, I managed to plant some flowers and mulch around my garage. Go me! I wanted to whack the rose bushes down in the back by the firepit but I was under-tooled to be able to do that, my $39 hedge trimmers weren't going to cut the mustard on that task, and I knew the weed whacker wasn't going to work either... so maybe I'll just buy some mulch and try and make it look pretty for now... that's really all I can do right?
That's about all I've got going on at the moment... and it's frankly enough to last me awhile.... but I promise! To write more. If nothing else for my own sanity.
Long live oreos.
So I didn't think life could get any nuttier than it was... but alas I was WRONG... dead wrong. So I found out last Tuesday that my place of employment will be shuttering it's door on June 25th. Amazing stuff. So I will be out of a job, with no income, and a house, 2 horses, a car, and all the bills that come with having all of that business... lovely. Soon I'll be knocking on your door asking if I can sleep on your couch, mind you I'll have my two dogs with me as well, so make room!
To be honest maybe this is what I need. A break from reality. Though I guess losing everything you have all at once is a form of reality, maybe not the kind that anyone really wants, but it's probably a form of reality. So all I can do is breathe and try and get through each day. Growing up sucks. This is something I'm actually sure of, and that's the only thing I'm actually sure of at the moment. Oh man Debbie Downer is coming out. Let me shut her back in the closet for awhile... I guess the closet isn't a good place for her, that could lead to all other kinds of connotations, so let's stick her in the laundry room for now, or the basement. That sounds a little better.
Anyway, on a positive note I did get to go back to the burg and do some fun things recently. I had lunch with Zim, who I haven't seen in human form in almost 4 or 5 years. Funny, another life altering choice that I made, and it had been good for us both in the end, but just as life is crumbling on my end her we go back to full circle. Amazing stuff. But I guess people come around for reasons and survival is a good reason to come around. Anyway we had a great bitch fest 09 while eating delicious Texas Roadhouse food, I think our server wanted to kill us since we sat there for almost 2 hours and our bill was only like 20 combined... oh well deal with it! So we made plans for a bitch fest 09 2.0, this time involving drinking and lots of laughing. Good times ahead my friends, good times.
I also was able to give a jumping clinic for the kids at the barn. It was alot of fun and I miss those kids like Whoa. So hopefully now that I am jobless I can get to see them more often. That would be awesome. Considering 4 of my kids are running off to college at the end of the summer... oh man I feel old!
In other news, I managed to plant some flowers and mulch around my garage. Go me! I wanted to whack the rose bushes down in the back by the firepit but I was under-tooled to be able to do that, my $39 hedge trimmers weren't going to cut the mustard on that task, and I knew the weed whacker wasn't going to work either... so maybe I'll just buy some mulch and try and make it look pretty for now... that's really all I can do right?
That's about all I've got going on at the moment... and it's frankly enough to last me awhile.... but I promise! To write more. If nothing else for my own sanity.
Long live oreos.
Suddenly Single, Temporarily Insane
I'm going to include my myspace blog at the bottom of this post, for the shear fact that I want to permanently remember the feelings that I've had the past two weeks, and this is the best way to do it, since I'm contemplating deleting my myspace page since I no longer use it frequently.
I'll never understand why things happen, but I guess that's what makes life worth living. You don't know what to expect, so you kind of have to stick around for to see what's going to happen next. The suspense is too much to take... riighht...
This week has been a kind of epic fail kind of week, just an all around fail. Another down in the dumps, head stuck in a jar, slipped on a banana peel and landed in the mud kind of week. But hopefully, this week turns brighter. I'm hoping for it. Planning for it. COUNTING on it. So it better be!
Some people need time to reorganize after a break up. Some people need to be single, regain who they were, decide where they're going, make a plan of action and follow thru. Separate themselves from their once other half, and build that half back on their own. Me. I need someone in my bed. Now. I know that sounds a bit trite, and probably a bit disturbing. But lets face it, in this kind of situation the only way out is thru and I need to feel vindicated, and pull out ahead of the evil former other half. Even a one night stand at this point would be better than nothing. (Okay, that does sound slightly disconcerting) But I don't need SOMETHING to take my mind off what's going on. I need SOMEONE. So game on. I'm officially on the prowl. That just sounds incredibly disturbing.
Maybe all of this is a sign, a sign that I'm supposed to move to the UK and marry my dream man! I knew I couldn't give up hope of that dream. So I won't. I'm going to make it happen. Just as soon as I escape the torture of fixing up the house and moving on with my life.
I kind of lied before, I do have a plan of action, because I have to have a plan for everything. I don't live on a whim, unless it's a Saturday, and only then do I do things by the seat of my pants, and only then will I do things that I hadn't planned in some fashion of doing. Maybe a trip to the casino is in order. Maybe that would help. I suppose only if I actually won some money, if I went and lost I'd feel even worse, probably not a good thing, eh? So I have my plan, posted on my fridge, and I'm taking steps to accomplish everything on the list, sooner rather than later.
Other than that, I'm going to start updating this thing more frequently. Lucky you. I know. Look for it.
Ninja, Out.
I'll never understand why things happen, but I guess that's what makes life worth living. You don't know what to expect, so you kind of have to stick around for to see what's going to happen next. The suspense is too much to take... riighht...
This week has been a kind of epic fail kind of week, just an all around fail. Another down in the dumps, head stuck in a jar, slipped on a banana peel and landed in the mud kind of week. But hopefully, this week turns brighter. I'm hoping for it. Planning for it. COUNTING on it. So it better be!
Some people need time to reorganize after a break up. Some people need to be single, regain who they were, decide where they're going, make a plan of action and follow thru. Separate themselves from their once other half, and build that half back on their own. Me. I need someone in my bed. Now. I know that sounds a bit trite, and probably a bit disturbing. But lets face it, in this kind of situation the only way out is thru and I need to feel vindicated, and pull out ahead of the evil former other half. Even a one night stand at this point would be better than nothing. (Okay, that does sound slightly disconcerting) But I don't need SOMETHING to take my mind off what's going on. I need SOMEONE. So game on. I'm officially on the prowl. That just sounds incredibly disturbing.
Maybe all of this is a sign, a sign that I'm supposed to move to the UK and marry my dream man! I knew I couldn't give up hope of that dream. So I won't. I'm going to make it happen. Just as soon as I escape the torture of fixing up the house and moving on with my life.
I kind of lied before, I do have a plan of action, because I have to have a plan for everything. I don't live on a whim, unless it's a Saturday, and only then do I do things by the seat of my pants, and only then will I do things that I hadn't planned in some fashion of doing. Maybe a trip to the casino is in order. Maybe that would help. I suppose only if I actually won some money, if I went and lost I'd feel even worse, probably not a good thing, eh? So I have my plan, posted on my fridge, and I'm taking steps to accomplish everything on the list, sooner rather than later.
Other than that, I'm going to start updating this thing more frequently. Lucky you. I know. Look for it.
Ninja, Out.
Life can throw you a curve ball, but you can still hit a homerun.
"Every war has its casualties, and every victory it's price. Nothing really changed that night, nothing big at least, just a little piece of something that was never going to be the same, not ever. The thing is, it's hard to tie a bandage with one hand, but sooner or later, we learn." –Kevin Arnold. The Wonder Years
Wow, so life is crazy right now. Like heart racing, head pounding, arms feel like jello crazy right now. So here it is, you said I’d do it, run and tell ‘anyone who’ll listen’ so I suppose I am…
The boy is gone, he’s decided it’s best for both of us. That was nice of him. I really think it’s easy choice for him. Leave me with the house that I bought, because he liked it alot and we needed a place to live, I really didn’t care where we lived as long as it wasn’t where we were living. Leave me with the bills that have been created because of the house, the need for the dumpster, the need to have the front section of property brush hogged, the house power washed, the basement projects that were started and never finished, the bathroom project that was started and never finished…and he gets to go home to mommy and daddy and being again with no baggage, other than his new found ‘friend’… life is funny.
It’s funny that you think you should hate someone, someone who destroyed your life as you knew it without a second thought in the world, someone who took away all your security and comfort, and did it in the most severe form of betrayal. But yet, I laugh, because I can’t hate him. He was selfish, and didn’t want to work thru issues, saw the easy way out and took it, couldn’t man up and leave a month ago when he found someone new, someone who didn’t have the past we have together, instead he’d tread out on the greener grass a little farther each day, deciding that problems were problems he’d like to leave behind, instead of using the communication he told me he was a master of before we started dating. Did to me what had been done to him, what had been done to friends of his, and something he said he’d never do…
Saying it wasn’t because of her, okay, but she didn’t help the situation. Unhappy? Guess what, I was told I was the only person responsible for my own happiness, so how can I be responsible for someone else’s? Maybe I did take everything for granted, but it wasn’t forever, and I tried to show how I felt, in every little thing I did. Maybe it wasn’t the way he wanted it, but it was all I had to give. But how can the unhappiness over shadow the happiness? How did that happen? I’m still questioning that one. Because in all the times that I was unhappy, all the times I didn’t want to be here, I NEVER wanted to be with someone else, and for all the times I reacted harshly, I knew the good always out weighed the bad, and that this too shall pass. There were times I wanted to walk away, times I wanted to pack it all in, but then something would happen, or there’d be a look, or a smile and I’d realize it was all worth it. The sunshine was worth the pain. I didn’t want this to begin; I fought and fought to stop from creating a situation that would ruin a friendship that was amazing. But you can’t deny feelings.
Two years and it comes down to this... it's amazing how fast things can go from forever to never. Lessons learned, that's for sure. I want to hate him. But I don't. I still have a love for him. It’s a sad sorry kind of love, but I'm no longer in love with him, because this boy who said all the nasty things to me, this boy who treated me less than, the boy who said just play it cool and everything will be okay, while he was testing the waters with someone new, playing with my emotions and saying it would all work out, even though he was already preparing to leave, this is not the boy I fell in love with. The boy I fell in love with used to play with my hair, and sing me silly songs, complain about my socks on the couch, and looked at me like I was the only thing he could see, that's the boy I fell in love with, and that boy left me more than a month ago... it just took me a while to understand that.
But I see it now. And I’m picking the pieces up, thankfully I have friends, GREAT friends. And a support system I never knew existed. So the bills will be paid, the grass will get mowed, the projects that weren’t finished will be finished, and I’ll walk away from it all a little tattered, a little torn, but no worse for wear. And I get to do it knowing I tried harder for this than I’ve ever tried for anything in my entire life. I gave everything I had to give, and it wasn’t enough. The cold eyes that looked past me as he gathered his things told me how little I had actually meant. Though the words of the past tell me otherwise, it’s how it ends that lasts forever. Life wasn’t perfect, I realize that, I didn’t make things easier, but I didn’t give up on it either. And nothing is only one persons fault, I made mistakes too, lots of them, but when you see something happening that affects your future, and you try and control the violent spin that becomes the fallout how is that wrong? How is it wrong to want to hold onto something you want? Something that means everything, something that is a part of you, something you can’t imagine living without? So becoming defensive was my reaction, becoming paranoid for good reason was my reaction, it was over before all of that anyway, trying to show my emotion and happiness ended up being too little, too late, and it’s the past. What’s done is done.
It’s funny how in situations like this people inevitably feel sorry for you, and want to fix the situation, but sometimes there is nothing to fix, nothing to mend, the pieces just don’t fit together anymore, the puzzle is unsolvable. And while it’s nice to hear people support you, and want to support your feelings of anger and rage, it’s nice to hear people laugh and joke too, so thanks to Vegas for yesterday, and yes the wedding is in May. And the dresses will be lime green even though you look good in blue. A smile thru the hurt is a good feeling. “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
After he packed his stuff, everybody told me that I was going to be ok. That, it would take a little time, but I would heal. Well, I don’t know if that’s going to happen; not really anyway. . . What I’m feeling right now, it doesn't ever really go away -- not completely. It's not like, I’m going to go back to being the person I was before he left -- that person's gone. It's more like something inside of you breaks and your body finds a way to compensate for it. Like if you busted your right hand, you figure out how to use the left one. And sure, you might resist for awhile because you're angry that you have to learn all this stuff again that nobody else does. Eventually your body takes over and figures it out for you. And your glad. because if it was up to you. . . you'd look at your broken hand forever and try to figure out what it was like before. But we’re built for survival. So that’s what we do.
It’s funny, because deep down I knew this was coming, there were times when walking away seemed like the best thing in the world, but I always turned back around. Always. He lived for a long time not knowing if I was coming or going. It wasn’t intentional on my part, I was very confused for a very long time, I always prayed that things would get better, that he’d compromise in ways that I wanted, not in just the ways he thought he should. I looked at him and I saw the man I wanted to wake up next to in 25 or 30 years. The person I wanted to build a life with. But that person was a figment of my imagination. He didn’t exist. I created him to deal with the person I was left with.
He tells me that things have been bad since the move, I don’t buy it. Things were off and on trouble, bad, good, and great. The bad times are what are easy to point out. And that’s never a positive thing. But the good times existed. They were everyday things. Lots of them. But I’ll let him believe that. If it makes it easier for him. I guess he had a small taste of what it felt like to leave everything you ever knew, and be expected to adjust right away, leaving you feeling left out, ignored, unloved, and taken advantage of.
I was reading a old blog that I posted in response to something he’d said 2 years ago, and it’s funny that looking back, it was like a letter to the future me…
“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.”
So I’m sorry for being Debbie Downer lately, but hopefully this weekend away is what I need to recharge, and refresh. The dogs come back from their vacation on Sunday, and next week starts the new chapter in our new lives. Just me, Libby & Stewie…trying to get the house ready, funny how I have to fix up a house just so I can move out of it. There’s just something backwards about that… go from living in an entire house on 4.5 acres, to living in one bedroom on a horse farm… I’ll be closer to friends and further from the memories. Thanks again, to everyone for letting me ball my eyes out on your couch, in your truck, via text at all hours of the night, on your floor, at your barn, at the horse show… we’re up to 18 hours now… going strong. Funny, it was always my decision to leave, I just never actually left. And like the saying goes, it’s easier to leave, then to be left behind.
Music to drown sorrows/punch a ex boyfriend to:
Wow, so life is crazy right now. Like heart racing, head pounding, arms feel like jello crazy right now. So here it is, you said I’d do it, run and tell ‘anyone who’ll listen’ so I suppose I am…
The boy is gone, he’s decided it’s best for both of us. That was nice of him. I really think it’s easy choice for him. Leave me with the house that I bought, because he liked it alot and we needed a place to live, I really didn’t care where we lived as long as it wasn’t where we were living. Leave me with the bills that have been created because of the house, the need for the dumpster, the need to have the front section of property brush hogged, the house power washed, the basement projects that were started and never finished, the bathroom project that was started and never finished…and he gets to go home to mommy and daddy and being again with no baggage, other than his new found ‘friend’… life is funny.
It’s funny that you think you should hate someone, someone who destroyed your life as you knew it without a second thought in the world, someone who took away all your security and comfort, and did it in the most severe form of betrayal. But yet, I laugh, because I can’t hate him. He was selfish, and didn’t want to work thru issues, saw the easy way out and took it, couldn’t man up and leave a month ago when he found someone new, someone who didn’t have the past we have together, instead he’d tread out on the greener grass a little farther each day, deciding that problems were problems he’d like to leave behind, instead of using the communication he told me he was a master of before we started dating. Did to me what had been done to him, what had been done to friends of his, and something he said he’d never do…
Saying it wasn’t because of her, okay, but she didn’t help the situation. Unhappy? Guess what, I was told I was the only person responsible for my own happiness, so how can I be responsible for someone else’s? Maybe I did take everything for granted, but it wasn’t forever, and I tried to show how I felt, in every little thing I did. Maybe it wasn’t the way he wanted it, but it was all I had to give. But how can the unhappiness over shadow the happiness? How did that happen? I’m still questioning that one. Because in all the times that I was unhappy, all the times I didn’t want to be here, I NEVER wanted to be with someone else, and for all the times I reacted harshly, I knew the good always out weighed the bad, and that this too shall pass. There were times I wanted to walk away, times I wanted to pack it all in, but then something would happen, or there’d be a look, or a smile and I’d realize it was all worth it. The sunshine was worth the pain. I didn’t want this to begin; I fought and fought to stop from creating a situation that would ruin a friendship that was amazing. But you can’t deny feelings.
Two years and it comes down to this... it's amazing how fast things can go from forever to never. Lessons learned, that's for sure. I want to hate him. But I don't. I still have a love for him. It’s a sad sorry kind of love, but I'm no longer in love with him, because this boy who said all the nasty things to me, this boy who treated me less than, the boy who said just play it cool and everything will be okay, while he was testing the waters with someone new, playing with my emotions and saying it would all work out, even though he was already preparing to leave, this is not the boy I fell in love with. The boy I fell in love with used to play with my hair, and sing me silly songs, complain about my socks on the couch, and looked at me like I was the only thing he could see, that's the boy I fell in love with, and that boy left me more than a month ago... it just took me a while to understand that.
But I see it now. And I’m picking the pieces up, thankfully I have friends, GREAT friends. And a support system I never knew existed. So the bills will be paid, the grass will get mowed, the projects that weren’t finished will be finished, and I’ll walk away from it all a little tattered, a little torn, but no worse for wear. And I get to do it knowing I tried harder for this than I’ve ever tried for anything in my entire life. I gave everything I had to give, and it wasn’t enough. The cold eyes that looked past me as he gathered his things told me how little I had actually meant. Though the words of the past tell me otherwise, it’s how it ends that lasts forever. Life wasn’t perfect, I realize that, I didn’t make things easier, but I didn’t give up on it either. And nothing is only one persons fault, I made mistakes too, lots of them, but when you see something happening that affects your future, and you try and control the violent spin that becomes the fallout how is that wrong? How is it wrong to want to hold onto something you want? Something that means everything, something that is a part of you, something you can’t imagine living without? So becoming defensive was my reaction, becoming paranoid for good reason was my reaction, it was over before all of that anyway, trying to show my emotion and happiness ended up being too little, too late, and it’s the past. What’s done is done.
It’s funny how in situations like this people inevitably feel sorry for you, and want to fix the situation, but sometimes there is nothing to fix, nothing to mend, the pieces just don’t fit together anymore, the puzzle is unsolvable. And while it’s nice to hear people support you, and want to support your feelings of anger and rage, it’s nice to hear people laugh and joke too, so thanks to Vegas for yesterday, and yes the wedding is in May. And the dresses will be lime green even though you look good in blue. A smile thru the hurt is a good feeling. “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
After he packed his stuff, everybody told me that I was going to be ok. That, it would take a little time, but I would heal. Well, I don’t know if that’s going to happen; not really anyway. . . What I’m feeling right now, it doesn't ever really go away -- not completely. It's not like, I’m going to go back to being the person I was before he left -- that person's gone. It's more like something inside of you breaks and your body finds a way to compensate for it. Like if you busted your right hand, you figure out how to use the left one. And sure, you might resist for awhile because you're angry that you have to learn all this stuff again that nobody else does. Eventually your body takes over and figures it out for you. And your glad. because if it was up to you. . . you'd look at your broken hand forever and try to figure out what it was like before. But we’re built for survival. So that’s what we do.
It’s funny, because deep down I knew this was coming, there were times when walking away seemed like the best thing in the world, but I always turned back around. Always. He lived for a long time not knowing if I was coming or going. It wasn’t intentional on my part, I was very confused for a very long time, I always prayed that things would get better, that he’d compromise in ways that I wanted, not in just the ways he thought he should. I looked at him and I saw the man I wanted to wake up next to in 25 or 30 years. The person I wanted to build a life with. But that person was a figment of my imagination. He didn’t exist. I created him to deal with the person I was left with.
He tells me that things have been bad since the move, I don’t buy it. Things were off and on trouble, bad, good, and great. The bad times are what are easy to point out. And that’s never a positive thing. But the good times existed. They were everyday things. Lots of them. But I’ll let him believe that. If it makes it easier for him. I guess he had a small taste of what it felt like to leave everything you ever knew, and be expected to adjust right away, leaving you feeling left out, ignored, unloved, and taken advantage of.
I was reading a old blog that I posted in response to something he’d said 2 years ago, and it’s funny that looking back, it was like a letter to the future me…
“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.”
So I’m sorry for being Debbie Downer lately, but hopefully this weekend away is what I need to recharge, and refresh. The dogs come back from their vacation on Sunday, and next week starts the new chapter in our new lives. Just me, Libby & Stewie…trying to get the house ready, funny how I have to fix up a house just so I can move out of it. There’s just something backwards about that… go from living in an entire house on 4.5 acres, to living in one bedroom on a horse farm… I’ll be closer to friends and further from the memories. Thanks again, to everyone for letting me ball my eyes out on your couch, in your truck, via text at all hours of the night, on your floor, at your barn, at the horse show… we’re up to 18 hours now… going strong. Funny, it was always my decision to leave, I just never actually left. And like the saying goes, it’s easier to leave, then to be left behind.
Music to drown sorrows/punch a ex boyfriend to:
Spill Canvas: Polygraph, Right Now
Butch Walker: Best Thing You Never Had
Carrie Underwood: The More Boys I Meet (the more I love my dog)
Kellie Pickler: Best Days of Your Life
Macy Gray: I try
Maroon 5: Better That We Break
Maroon 5: Through With You
Maroon 5: Nothing Lasts Forever
Matt Wertz: Hiding Behind A Smile
Matthew Perryman Jones: Save You
Every Path Has Its Puddle
And I just stepped into mine... big time!
I haven't written in a long time, good thing, because that means no one is reading this. Which is a great thing, because then I can write without the fear of any of this coming back to haunt me. So if you should be that one person who stumbles upon this, for some unkown reason, and you figure out who I am, or you already know who I am (even though, if I were you, I'd still pretend I had no clue who I was, but that's just me) just forget you ever saw any of this, and let's act like it never happened.
First let me start by saying, I love my cell phone, in fact I love most technology, but I must say that all of this instant information stuff is making me horrbily impatient. Case in point, I'm in Target, trying to buy a TV and I'm looking at the prices thinking, I wonder if I can get this cheaper anywhere else... so I think I'll go home and shop around, but I really want the TV today, (I'm an impulse/then regret it later kind of shopper) so the little light bulb that follows around over my head goes off, and I magically have the answer. So I whip out my phone, and google the TV that I'm looking for. It ended up not mattering anyway because the guy ended up selling me the more expensive TV at the less expensive TV cost. So life was good all around. That was a whole lot of nothing, for no real reason, huh? Anyway, point. I no longer feel like it's a luxury to have this information at my fingertips. It's just something that I SHOULD have, it's now something I'm entitled to have. Lucky me. Or at least that's how I feel. I'm also addicted to it. Like when my phone beeps to tell me I have an email, even at 4am, I wake up and look at it. I'm nuts right? Yep, I thought so.
In other news. If there is any really. My life is a chaotic mess right now. I can't even explain it. It's just a whole big hot mess of crazy. I moved out of my house. I hate my job. Lord knows if I'm still really dating my boyfriend, we don't even know the answer to that one. I feel like I've ignored all of my old friends... life is just BLAH!
There's nothine else really to say. Not anything you might actually want to hear about that is. Maybe after tonight I'll have some good story to share. I'm going to a party for my recently dis-engaged friend, that is being hosted by her pastors wife...
I haven't written in a long time, good thing, because that means no one is reading this. Which is a great thing, because then I can write without the fear of any of this coming back to haunt me. So if you should be that one person who stumbles upon this, for some unkown reason, and you figure out who I am, or you already know who I am (even though, if I were you, I'd still pretend I had no clue who I was, but that's just me) just forget you ever saw any of this, and let's act like it never happened.
First let me start by saying, I love my cell phone, in fact I love most technology, but I must say that all of this instant information stuff is making me horrbily impatient. Case in point, I'm in Target, trying to buy a TV and I'm looking at the prices thinking, I wonder if I can get this cheaper anywhere else... so I think I'll go home and shop around, but I really want the TV today, (I'm an impulse/then regret it later kind of shopper) so the little light bulb that follows around over my head goes off, and I magically have the answer. So I whip out my phone, and google the TV that I'm looking for. It ended up not mattering anyway because the guy ended up selling me the more expensive TV at the less expensive TV cost. So life was good all around. That was a whole lot of nothing, for no real reason, huh? Anyway, point. I no longer feel like it's a luxury to have this information at my fingertips. It's just something that I SHOULD have, it's now something I'm entitled to have. Lucky me. Or at least that's how I feel. I'm also addicted to it. Like when my phone beeps to tell me I have an email, even at 4am, I wake up and look at it. I'm nuts right? Yep, I thought so.
In other news. If there is any really. My life is a chaotic mess right now. I can't even explain it. It's just a whole big hot mess of crazy. I moved out of my house. I hate my job. Lord knows if I'm still really dating my boyfriend, we don't even know the answer to that one. I feel like I've ignored all of my old friends... life is just BLAH!
There's nothine else really to say. Not anything you might actually want to hear about that is. Maybe after tonight I'll have some good story to share. I'm going to a party for my recently dis-engaged friend, that is being hosted by her pastors wife...
A Little Bit About Me, even if you didn't want to know...
I like the color orange. I really like D.J. I miss showing my horse. I hate green beans. I can’t spell really easy words. I don't like chocolate, I live for mountain dew, I like boys with curly hair, I hate wearing shoes, I'm obsessed with brushing my teeth, I don't like the new herbal essence shampoo, I love taking pictures, I hate car rides with other people, but I love to drive. I have an abnormal fear of bananas. I don't think you know me. I like updating my myspace and facebook pages with nonsense. I wish I could spend the rest of my life on a mission trip. I write letters I never intend to send. Sometimes I cry for no reason. I love the city. I feel helpless to help other people. I wish on shooting stars. I remember my old friends and miss them always. I can't talk quick enough for the thoughts in my head, and sometimes mess up the order of my sentences. Dancing around in the living room to loud music is a mandatory Sunday event. I hate to shower. I couldn't live without my dog. I’m sorry. I stare at the IT guy at work and it makes him nervous, I like to dance, even if I dance badly. I don' t like drama. I do love Eric. I say things I don’t mean. I wanted to be a ballerina when I was little, but I fall too easily. I'm a good driver. I hope they fix my dad. I think I'm a bad friend. I'm picky when it comes to certain things. I dance in the car even if people are watching. I'm terrified of people I love dieing, but I'm not afraid of my own death. I like to make people laugh. I should have stayed in vet school. I hate my smile. I love ice pops, and eat them all year round. I love people who understand comfortable silence. I always re-name people, places and things. I worry about the future, and regret a lot of the past, but I love the present. That’s about it. Smile.
"this is good walking music..."
So the Late Night Lushes weekly meetings haven't been so weekly lately, and this is starting to bother me, well not really because, I'm pretty much an All Day Lush. That's life. I've been sitting here at work trying to think of something to write, some good story to tell, some weird happening in my life that would somehow bring joy and laughter to yours, unfortunatly I can think of nothing of importance to share with the general public.
I've come to the conclusion that my start button is broken, and may be beyond repair. I think of these really great things that I want to do, and somehow I never manage to do any of them. I also think I need to create some life goals, other than my "Five Year Plan" (someone else has a five year plan, and I love him, back to the topic). However this five year plan is becoming the 2 year plan, because the five years are flying by. This is a problem. Not because I don't want to follow through with the five year plan, I just had all these hopes and ambitions that I wouldn't have to put the five year plan into effect at least for ten to fifteen. Oh lord.
So I just kind of 'get by' and while that's working for now, it's not where I want to be. I look around, and think to myself where did I go wrong? Seriously, I started off on the right track, Pre-vet, good school, great friends... and then it's like fast forward, and I'm a lump on a long, with a crap degree ( I say 'crap' in the most desirable way, I mean I did spend an enormous amount of time and energy obtaining this degree, interior architecture is a tuff field, if you're mildly retarded, not that there's anything wrong with that).
Sigh.
Where's my life coach?!
Read it: Idiot Girls Action Adventure Club, this is like snort laugh out loud funny. Seriosly. Read it. twice.
Hear it: Ryan Adams: To Be Young "Oh one day when you’re looking back, You were young and man you were sad, when you’re young you get sad, when you're young you get sad, then you get high...you get high."
So the Late Night Lushes weekly meetings haven't been so weekly lately, and this is starting to bother me, well not really because, I'm pretty much an All Day Lush. That's life. I've been sitting here at work trying to think of something to write, some good story to tell, some weird happening in my life that would somehow bring joy and laughter to yours, unfortunatly I can think of nothing of importance to share with the general public.
I've come to the conclusion that my start button is broken, and may be beyond repair. I think of these really great things that I want to do, and somehow I never manage to do any of them. I also think I need to create some life goals, other than my "Five Year Plan" (someone else has a five year plan, and I love him, back to the topic). However this five year plan is becoming the 2 year plan, because the five years are flying by. This is a problem. Not because I don't want to follow through with the five year plan, I just had all these hopes and ambitions that I wouldn't have to put the five year plan into effect at least for ten to fifteen. Oh lord.
So I just kind of 'get by' and while that's working for now, it's not where I want to be. I look around, and think to myself where did I go wrong? Seriously, I started off on the right track, Pre-vet, good school, great friends... and then it's like fast forward, and I'm a lump on a long, with a crap degree ( I say 'crap' in the most desirable way, I mean I did spend an enormous amount of time and energy obtaining this degree, interior architecture is a tuff field, if you're mildly retarded, not that there's anything wrong with that).
Sigh.
Where's my life coach?!
Read it: Idiot Girls Action Adventure Club, this is like snort laugh out loud funny. Seriosly. Read it. twice.
Hear it: Ryan Adams: To Be Young "Oh one day when you’re looking back, You were young and man you were sad, when you’re young you get sad, when you're young you get sad, then you get high...you get high."
Been Thinking A Lot Lately...
about a certain someone... oh boy, it's sad how much I want you. It's that simple. If only...
Okay, cold shower, on with things, so I think I'm going to have to venture back to the dentists chair again soon. Not that I want to, because I don't. I really don't. Honestly. Why? You ask, seriously concerned about the well being of my dental structure. That 'cavity' that I had filled a couple of months ago, I still maintain that it was not a cavity but a dentistry accident that transpired into an anomely that visually resembles that of a cavity. I can rightfully state this because NEVER have I ever, (that's also a good drinking game) had a cavity, and only now after having my wisdom teeth ripped from my tender gums did one appear. Coincidence? I think not. So anyway, the gigantic filling they assembled in my slightly smaller than average mouth caused some mild discomfort after the procedure, but all is fair in fillings and teeth cleaning, right? WRONG! So not only is the filling out of alignment, and oversized, but I'm now slightly paranoid that this cavity creating disease that has entered into my mouth will spread to my other preciously perfect teeth and fester into a large unstoppable plague that will eventually cause all of my pearly whites to decay and fall out of my mouth one by one, leaving me nothing left to eat but pudding and yogurt. Which are two tasty treats that I do enjoy, just in moderation. I'm worried.
In other knews, this is the second post in a not so long span of time, I'm amazed at my self . Really I am.
I've been looking at apartments again... I know, I know you're like WHAT?! you just moved, what's with the apartment hunting mel c? Well, let me just explain, I'm looking for apartments in the ever so windy city to the west, and I'm pretty much happy with what I'm finding... now only one complication, funds. Funds to back up the project, and my meal ticket? Unfortunatly a four legged creature that ate her way into my heart, and I waited 11, yes that's right 11, years to get. Can I get a "my life sucks"....
Oh and just for future record a list of every job I've ever had, minus the 35billion babysitting jobs I've had...
-Busser/Hostess - JPatricks @ Holiday Inn FQ
-Hostess/Server - Bob Evans Pburg
-Office Worker - MD
-Day Care Worker (for dogs) - Pups n'People
-Mail Room Worker/Copy Chick (as Chip put it) - LEC
-Sales Associate - Eddie Bauer
-Cashier - Pet Supplies Plus
-Certified Custom Framing Specialist - Michaels Arts n' Crafts
-Interior Designer (now we're getting somewhere) - AI
-Server - Max & Erma's
-Still Working @ MD
-Barn Worker - GCF
-Riding Instructor- Camp Lochearn in VT
-Sales Associate - Linen's N' Things
-Information Specialist - AANWO
-Riding Instructor - GCF
I get around...
hanging out with the tin man
Okay, cold shower, on with things, so I think I'm going to have to venture back to the dentists chair again soon. Not that I want to, because I don't. I really don't. Honestly. Why? You ask, seriously concerned about the well being of my dental structure. That 'cavity' that I had filled a couple of months ago, I still maintain that it was not a cavity but a dentistry accident that transpired into an anomely that visually resembles that of a cavity. I can rightfully state this because NEVER have I ever, (that's also a good drinking game) had a cavity, and only now after having my wisdom teeth ripped from my tender gums did one appear. Coincidence? I think not. So anyway, the gigantic filling they assembled in my slightly smaller than average mouth caused some mild discomfort after the procedure, but all is fair in fillings and teeth cleaning, right? WRONG! So not only is the filling out of alignment, and oversized, but I'm now slightly paranoid that this cavity creating disease that has entered into my mouth will spread to my other preciously perfect teeth and fester into a large unstoppable plague that will eventually cause all of my pearly whites to decay and fall out of my mouth one by one, leaving me nothing left to eat but pudding and yogurt. Which are two tasty treats that I do enjoy, just in moderation. I'm worried.
In other knews, this is the second post in a not so long span of time, I'm amazed at my self . Really I am.
I've been looking at apartments again... I know, I know you're like WHAT?! you just moved, what's with the apartment hunting mel c? Well, let me just explain, I'm looking for apartments in the ever so windy city to the west, and I'm pretty much happy with what I'm finding... now only one complication, funds. Funds to back up the project, and my meal ticket? Unfortunatly a four legged creature that ate her way into my heart, and I waited 11, yes that's right 11, years to get. Can I get a "my life sucks"....
Oh and just for future record a list of every job I've ever had, minus the 35billion babysitting jobs I've had...
-Busser/Hostess - JPatricks @ Holiday Inn FQ
-Hostess/Server - Bob Evans Pburg
-Office Worker - MD
-Day Care Worker (for dogs) - Pups n'People
-Mail Room Worker/Copy Chick (as Chip put it) - LEC
-Sales Associate - Eddie Bauer
-Cashier - Pet Supplies Plus
-Certified Custom Framing Specialist - Michaels Arts n' Crafts
-Interior Designer (now we're getting somewhere) - AI
-Server - Max & Erma's
-Still Working @ MD
-Barn Worker - GCF
-Riding Instructor- Camp Lochearn in VT
-Sales Associate - Linen's N' Things
-Information Specialist - AANWO
-Riding Instructor - GCF
I get around...
hanging out with the tin man
I really think that everyone should have watercolors, magnetic poetry, and a harmonica.
Are you ready for this my melancholy friend? Sure you are. So what's with the sudden interest in my life lately? 3 months go by, and nothing, not so much as a soft wind coming my way with your name on it, and suddenly all this commotion and motion causing my life to screech to a freakish halt. First the phone call, and the message left by her, not so cool. Not so cool at all. Then the follow up call, just to patch that first one up, followed by her email, cold and casual as expected. And my response to your inquisition? How's the erie silence treating you?
There's only one problem with this situation, I'm secretly screaming to respond, to get it all out, to yell, and and get you to yell back. Only I know that's not how it would go, not really. I'd stay calm, let you talk, we'd speak in generalities checking the waters, and then if all seemed right we'd creep away from the safe harbor and ask some detailed questions hoping for the answers we secretly want, and then cringe if the harsh wind blows our way. It's hard thinking that we had so much, and lost it in a 4 paragraph email to someone who wasn't even you. But that's life. I'm droning on about something that doesn't really matter, the likelihood of us seeing each other again, slim to none, the likelihood of going to back to the way things were anyway even slimmer. But currently it consumes me.
Song to Download: Butch Walker... Best Thing You Never Had ...well my heart got shattered like romantic road kill my ego got splattered and your ego got fatter and I hope that you're flattered...hello how you doing, what's it like to ruin all my self esteem? when you blow off some steam... so why am i jadded to get back at you what makes it cool when you act like nothing ever happened I feel like I should feel better but I care like someone who thought they're the only one that mattered I hope that you're battered, cause you broke this dam, the best thing that you never had.
Are you ready for this my melancholy friend? Sure you are. So what's with the sudden interest in my life lately? 3 months go by, and nothing, not so much as a soft wind coming my way with your name on it, and suddenly all this commotion and motion causing my life to screech to a freakish halt. First the phone call, and the message left by her, not so cool. Not so cool at all. Then the follow up call, just to patch that first one up, followed by her email, cold and casual as expected. And my response to your inquisition? How's the erie silence treating you?
There's only one problem with this situation, I'm secretly screaming to respond, to get it all out, to yell, and and get you to yell back. Only I know that's not how it would go, not really. I'd stay calm, let you talk, we'd speak in generalities checking the waters, and then if all seemed right we'd creep away from the safe harbor and ask some detailed questions hoping for the answers we secretly want, and then cringe if the harsh wind blows our way. It's hard thinking that we had so much, and lost it in a 4 paragraph email to someone who wasn't even you. But that's life. I'm droning on about something that doesn't really matter, the likelihood of us seeing each other again, slim to none, the likelihood of going to back to the way things were anyway even slimmer. But currently it consumes me.
Song to Download: Butch Walker... Best Thing You Never Had ...well my heart got shattered like romantic road kill my ego got splattered and your ego got fatter and I hope that you're flattered...hello how you doing, what's it like to ruin all my self esteem? when you blow off some steam... so why am i jadded to get back at you what makes it cool when you act like nothing ever happened I feel like I should feel better but I care like someone who thought they're the only one that mattered I hope that you're battered, cause you broke this dam, the best thing that you never had.
Wondering what to do...maybe I'll pick up the phone.
So I finally figured out what was going on with my lil blog site, and why it wasn't looking the way i had remembered it to look back in the day. I don't know why, or how but at some point the template I used is no longer active, or I destroyed it. I'm not sure which, though the latter is the more likely choice. But oh well. I spent about half an hour trying to pick a new template that would look semi worthy of my space, I know that's crazy, and I know that it just helps show the coolness level that i currently resonate at. Such is life. I've decided, with the help of my spiritual guide "Mr. Moon" that I need a vacation, not that I have done anything worthy of earning a vacation, I just whole heartedly believe that I need on. You're probably thinking wasn't your entire summer a vacation? And to that my friend I reply, no, hell no. If anything it was a stress test gone very very bad. I passed, not just because of my superior skills, I just happen to test well.
So my dear friend, bedee, sent this thing via email to me, and I'm not one to read forwards, and definitely not one to read entire forwards, but I was feeling like I had a bit of free time last night and decided I could splurge a few extra minutes and read it. And I will post my own reply, on here, I think it deserves one. It's basically the male point of view of us gallons of milk (aka women) and why we go bad. Fired up yet? Don't worry we don't all go bad, just the majority of us. I'm sure i'm going to get a nasty email about how I'm not finding the deeper meaning to this piece of journalistic art, and to that I say, well I am only a gallon of milk, most likely spoiled, sitting in the cooler at the grocery store, and I'm most likely overpriced to say the least. Metaphors are for monkeys. Not really I just needed to say that. The music I'm listening to right now is so relaxing I could totally fall back asleep. Only I have to work today, and so sleeping right before I go would not be a happy thing,because then all I'd want to think about at work is sleeping, and it's starting already, so i have to stop thinking about sleep and just get on with it.
So I will. On with it now.
Peace in the east, my fellow milk jugs.
If you get a chance to read read this:
So you say you want to get a natural high?
other natural highs available:
Long time no blog. But that's life. So who wants to hear about my new years eve? That's right you all do. But I'm going to spare you the details, call if you want them, and give you the condensed readers digest version of the nights happenings. First, lost one and a half (half because shorty couldn't concentrate enough to continue play) games of euchre. Next, got sufficiently buzzed. Then, groped by married boy. And to top the night off, ugly boy's comments that will live forever: 1) I'll give you a natural high, if you know what I mean. 2) (to jaymee) so I'm trying to get in your friends pants but I don't think it's working. HELLO! you're ugly kid, of course it's not going to work. Seriously.
In other news, I'm still no further along on trying to get a life than I was when I was 6, my reading level is the only thing that's actually improved, and the only reason for that is the year or two I spent every saturday at the library. No joke. I know it's hard to believe cool me spend saturday at the library. Reading is sexy people.
I've decided the entire world is crazy. And my pet peeve of the week is the fact that people do not know how to argue, or they just yell. Seriously, you can only argue with someone who is willing to fight, and in case you were wondering I DO NOT CARE enough to fight with you, about anything. Well, that's a lie, I'd fight over dj. For sure. But other than that carry your own shit on your shoulders, I chose not to. You can't make me yell with you so don't bother trying. This is my rant. Not my life. I've wasted enough of my life, and I won't waist anymore of it on you. You're not that worthy. Kiss it.
People I currently miss...scotty b. (ALWAYS!) asia tasia (haven't talked to you in way too long!) kristi smith (you are the coolest puddin pop I know) horton (because you like to dish with me) kendra (because that girl is sweet) there are more I just don't remember them right now!
cool song to download for today: James Blunt / Goodbye My Lover
"And I will reveal my soul in time. When I'm kneeling at your feet. Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend...I'm so hollow, I'm so hollow baby, I'm so hollow. "
I'd Like To Get Away For Awhile...
Hey, so long time no post. But hey, what can you do? I've been rolling in the green grass, climbing mountains and hugging trees. Not really, more like chasing 200 screaming girls, running after horses, sweating my ass off, and hanging out with mormons all summer. And to top it all off I haven't had a drink in almost three months, I'm going to be returning home as a one beer queer. I'm scared, and don't know what to do. My body may go into shock when I come back and down a forty and a 12 pack. But oh well.
Camps been if nothing else, a watered down soap opera. They take a bunch of college aged kids and put them in this almost story book esc atmosphere and force them to live and work together 24 hours a day 7 days a week. And let me tell you, boy do you learn who you like and who you don't relatively quickly. Luckily for me, I just have a way of letting people know that I either do or do not like them right from the start. Mostly I don't like people. But that's the story of my life.
There's been boy drama, friend drama, rumors, rumors, rumors, fights, and laughs, it's been an awesome time, as a whole, but there have been days, mostly recently when I've been dying to just hop in big d and drive back to the burg.
Last night for instance, me and my roommate the awesome Kelly 'you rock my face off' Mullen made homemade icecream in Highland after hours, I of course couldn't wait for mine to freeze all the way and had more of a milkshake than anything, but as long as I enjoyed it that's all that really matters right? That's what I thought.
Well I have to run, more kids to entertain.
Peace out Girl Scout.
Hey, so long time no post. But hey, what can you do? I've been rolling in the green grass, climbing mountains and hugging trees. Not really, more like chasing 200 screaming girls, running after horses, sweating my ass off, and hanging out with mormons all summer. And to top it all off I haven't had a drink in almost three months, I'm going to be returning home as a one beer queer. I'm scared, and don't know what to do. My body may go into shock when I come back and down a forty and a 12 pack. But oh well.
Camps been if nothing else, a watered down soap opera. They take a bunch of college aged kids and put them in this almost story book esc atmosphere and force them to live and work together 24 hours a day 7 days a week. And let me tell you, boy do you learn who you like and who you don't relatively quickly. Luckily for me, I just have a way of letting people know that I either do or do not like them right from the start. Mostly I don't like people. But that's the story of my life.
There's been boy drama, friend drama, rumors, rumors, rumors, fights, and laughs, it's been an awesome time, as a whole, but there have been days, mostly recently when I've been dying to just hop in big d and drive back to the burg.
Last night for instance, me and my roommate the awesome Kelly 'you rock my face off' Mullen made homemade icecream in Highland after hours, I of course couldn't wait for mine to freeze all the way and had more of a milkshake than anything, but as long as I enjoyed it that's all that really matters right? That's what I thought.
Well I have to run, more kids to entertain.
Peace out Girl Scout.
Some people call me the space cowboy...
Much news, much news. I've been neglecting to share, I know, and now the time has come. I'm moving to Vermont. Ta Da! I know, isn't it crazy? But hey, when the going gets tough... I just move on to good ol' VT. So I'm packing my bags, and heading out... uh.. east? I'm leaving June 8th, it's crazy soon, and I'm never going to get everything done in time, but you know, who cares!? Yeah, and I'll be there if you need me. Other than that lifes, you know, normal... But whatever!
Later!
Much news, much news. I've been neglecting to share, I know, and now the time has come. I'm moving to Vermont. Ta Da! I know, isn't it crazy? But hey, when the going gets tough... I just move on to good ol' VT. So I'm packing my bags, and heading out... uh.. east? I'm leaving June 8th, it's crazy soon, and I'm never going to get everything done in time, but you know, who cares!? Yeah, and I'll be there if you need me. Other than that lifes, you know, normal... But whatever!
Later!
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair, I'm wondering how I'll get down those stairs...
please just go here...http://dsmivpsychology.blogspot.com/... please...
I shudder at the thought that this is how some people spend their free time. Honestly.
What up? So I knew I was popular with the crowd, but come on people, I can only Blog so much. I have things to do during the day, you know? So just try and limit yourself to mindless checking of the blog a couple times a day. You know? It's unhealthy to become so addicted to something so wonderful. It's just wrong.
So at work the other night, (that would be last night) I was talking about one of the three TV shows that I watch, The WB's Jack & Bobby, which is about to be cancelled, and I was saying that I'll turn my TV on to it even if I'm not watching it just to give it ratings, and one girl at work was like, Oh you have a Nielson box, and me being the ignorant little girl that I am was like Wha?! and she informs me that you have to have one of these nifty little boxes attached to your TV inorder for your ratings to count. Hmm... do you know anyone with this mystery box? how do I get one? I want one. Badly. I watch good TV and I don't want it cancelled. So damnit if you have a glorious Nielson box watch Jack & Bobby, save them! Well, at least Jack, he's sexy.
In other news, I was at the bar last night, because where else would I be? And my friends, friend, (because that's how I roll) told me this hilarious story that I'm going to share with you at this moment. So she was intoxicated, with a friend and they had parked in this parking lot and as they were coming back to their car they saw a towtruck getting ready to tow her car so they try and stop the guy and he tells them that for forty dollars he won't tow it, so she says well I only have a dollar, and goes into this speech about how she doesn't have a job, (but she has money to get drunk) and he's like well I'm towing it, so her friend looks at her and is like JUST GO! and so she jumps in her car (which mind you is attached via the little rollie thing to the tow truck and slams on the gas and takes off. So she's speeding away, still attached to the device, at a whopping 15mph, and her friend just hangs out with the tow truck driver, who calls the police. He later tells the cops she was just some girl he met at the bar (LIE!) and he doesn't know her. So anyway, she's screeching down the road, flying as fast as a slightly disabled car can fly, and has to slam on the brakes at a red light, at which point the device comes flying out from under her car, causing the car in front of her to stop. The driver of said car gets out, looks around and picks up the tow truck device, tosses it in the back of his car and drives on his merry way. My friends, friend is like WHAT?! but not one to ask questions she just drives on home, happy to be free of the device, glad that lucky fella decided he had some use for it. Whomever he may be.
Random song you should totally download: Counting to 100/Matt Wertz aka Melissa's boyfriend.
please just go here...http://dsmivpsychology.blogspot.com/... please...
I shudder at the thought that this is how some people spend their free time. Honestly.
What up? So I knew I was popular with the crowd, but come on people, I can only Blog so much. I have things to do during the day, you know? So just try and limit yourself to mindless checking of the blog a couple times a day. You know? It's unhealthy to become so addicted to something so wonderful. It's just wrong.
So at work the other night, (that would be last night) I was talking about one of the three TV shows that I watch, The WB's Jack & Bobby, which is about to be cancelled, and I was saying that I'll turn my TV on to it even if I'm not watching it just to give it ratings, and one girl at work was like, Oh you have a Nielson box, and me being the ignorant little girl that I am was like Wha?! and she informs me that you have to have one of these nifty little boxes attached to your TV inorder for your ratings to count. Hmm... do you know anyone with this mystery box? how do I get one? I want one. Badly. I watch good TV and I don't want it cancelled. So damnit if you have a glorious Nielson box watch Jack & Bobby, save them! Well, at least Jack, he's sexy.
In other news, I was at the bar last night, because where else would I be? And my friends, friend, (because that's how I roll) told me this hilarious story that I'm going to share with you at this moment. So she was intoxicated, with a friend and they had parked in this parking lot and as they were coming back to their car they saw a towtruck getting ready to tow her car so they try and stop the guy and he tells them that for forty dollars he won't tow it, so she says well I only have a dollar, and goes into this speech about how she doesn't have a job, (but she has money to get drunk) and he's like well I'm towing it, so her friend looks at her and is like JUST GO! and so she jumps in her car (which mind you is attached via the little rollie thing to the tow truck and slams on the gas and takes off. So she's speeding away, still attached to the device, at a whopping 15mph, and her friend just hangs out with the tow truck driver, who calls the police. He later tells the cops she was just some girl he met at the bar (LIE!) and he doesn't know her. So anyway, she's screeching down the road, flying as fast as a slightly disabled car can fly, and has to slam on the brakes at a red light, at which point the device comes flying out from under her car, causing the car in front of her to stop. The driver of said car gets out, looks around and picks up the tow truck device, tosses it in the back of his car and drives on his merry way. My friends, friend is like WHAT?! but not one to ask questions she just drives on home, happy to be free of the device, glad that lucky fella decided he had some use for it. Whomever he may be.
Random song you should totally download: Counting to 100/Matt Wertz aka Melissa's boyfriend.
You're just too high to see the point, you think your name is pass the joint.
...here at the party everyones happy, everyones high... I think I like you, but you like this whole room you sexy machine...
Gavin Degraw is sexy.
So I have to discuss this thing I call my job, I think Karma is telling me that I really should not continue in the service industry, not only in the past two days I've worked I've not only gotten into an argument over the "boxed" cake that we sell, but i've also spilled a beer, literally all over this guy, who in return left me a large chunk of faces for my pocket. Props to him! But I've also had an ice tea go flying, and douse me, afterwhich I did get a free shirt, and life was good again, but I mean this stuff just does not happen, you know?! I've been working there forever and never has any of this happened, so I'm thinking this is in fact someones way of showing me that I should not work there. Don't you think?
I'm also calling the guy back from Camp Storer today, and I'm applying at Camp Lohikan tonight, so hopefully I can run away for awhile, not like that bride-to-be, I won't require a multi-state manhunt, just a letter every now and then. Oh and money... lots of that.
p-out
everything else will be overrated.
...here at the party everyones happy, everyones high... I think I like you, but you like this whole room you sexy machine...
Gavin Degraw is sexy.
So I have to discuss this thing I call my job, I think Karma is telling me that I really should not continue in the service industry, not only in the past two days I've worked I've not only gotten into an argument over the "boxed" cake that we sell, but i've also spilled a beer, literally all over this guy, who in return left me a large chunk of faces for my pocket. Props to him! But I've also had an ice tea go flying, and douse me, afterwhich I did get a free shirt, and life was good again, but I mean this stuff just does not happen, you know?! I've been working there forever and never has any of this happened, so I'm thinking this is in fact someones way of showing me that I should not work there. Don't you think?
I'm also calling the guy back from Camp Storer today, and I'm applying at Camp Lohikan tonight, so hopefully I can run away for awhile, not like that bride-to-be, I won't require a multi-state manhunt, just a letter every now and then. Oh and money... lots of that.
p-out
everything else will be overrated.
Hey Brody!
So, it's been awhile, and I'm not proud of that, but you know. I can dig it. So unfortunatly not much is new, just the same ol' same ol'. I just keep on trucking, like a mack truck in the landfill. Just roll on along.
I thought I'd take a moment to share my experience with the movie Closer, I would like to say, I'm pretty sure, it had to have been written by a man, I say this, and I have no clue if it in fact was written by a man, but I'm sure it was, if you've seen it, you know what I mean. The fact that one small group, small being 4 people, can have sex within that group, in so many freaking combinations is beyond me. And also what happened to Ruth?! I would like to know, Ruth if you're out there hun, call me. Because he was an asshole to just leave you hanging like that. So some other chick gets hit by a car while a Damien Rice song plays quietly in the background and BAM all traces, memories, and sentimental feelings of the once serious, live in girlfriend are void and gone? What the hell?! This is just too much for me. The movie besides being a great way for dudes to get a look at Natalie Portmans ass, moved entirely too slow for me, although in the movie land time, the years flew by, and frankly I could have used some of those key phrases, like "2 years later" to randomly pop up at the bottom of the screen, because I didn't get it for awhile that in fact 2 years had went by, and suddenly Ruth was gone. Seriously, if anyone knows where Ruth went, I'm still curious.
Have to run, I need sleep. I'm starting to type out of sequence.
You're my hero.
So, it's been awhile, and I'm not proud of that, but you know. I can dig it. So unfortunatly not much is new, just the same ol' same ol'. I just keep on trucking, like a mack truck in the landfill. Just roll on along.
I thought I'd take a moment to share my experience with the movie Closer, I would like to say, I'm pretty sure, it had to have been written by a man, I say this, and I have no clue if it in fact was written by a man, but I'm sure it was, if you've seen it, you know what I mean. The fact that one small group, small being 4 people, can have sex within that group, in so many freaking combinations is beyond me. And also what happened to Ruth?! I would like to know, Ruth if you're out there hun, call me. Because he was an asshole to just leave you hanging like that. So some other chick gets hit by a car while a Damien Rice song plays quietly in the background and BAM all traces, memories, and sentimental feelings of the once serious, live in girlfriend are void and gone? What the hell?! This is just too much for me. The movie besides being a great way for dudes to get a look at Natalie Portmans ass, moved entirely too slow for me, although in the movie land time, the years flew by, and frankly I could have used some of those key phrases, like "2 years later" to randomly pop up at the bottom of the screen, because I didn't get it for awhile that in fact 2 years had went by, and suddenly Ruth was gone. Seriously, if anyone knows where Ruth went, I'm still curious.
Have to run, I need sleep. I'm starting to type out of sequence.
You're my hero.
Uncle Rico is hot and Lafawnda is my hero...
So it's been awhile, and when I say awhile, I mean... A long, long time. But the really sad thing is, things are pretty much the same. You know... exactly the same. Scott got transfered to Michigan, so no more worries that our crazy affair will get noticed, phew. I was worried for a second or too.
Other than that things are the same. yep. the same. so... later yo!
So it's been awhile, and when I say awhile, I mean... A long, long time. But the really sad thing is, things are pretty much the same. You know... exactly the same. Scott got transfered to Michigan, so no more worries that our crazy affair will get noticed, phew. I was worried for a second or too.
Other than that things are the same. yep. the same. so... later yo!
I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do, there are so many thoughts in my head...
So I started my new job yesterday, and let me tell you, I think I'm going to suck at it. And I mean, it's not like I expected to be this totally great server. But I mean, lets face it. I am in no way a nice person. And sometimes I just can't fake it, well so I can never fake it. But I mean, who knows, we'll see I guess. Whopps, hold on, forgot about the dogs. Alright, but besides that, I've got a 2 good looking managers, who are all totally awesome, which helps. You know.
Other than that, life's pretty much the same, which in a way is sad, you know, because, well I'm a loser. But at least I'm comfortable with it. I'm looking for a job. There I said it. And well, this whole process is rather intimidating, not that I don't have a life plan or anything, because I do, I just have it on *pause* at the moment, and was kind of hoping that after awhile it would just kind of kick back into play mode and I wouldn't really have to do anything about it, just kind of roll with it, make some money, move to england marry a rich bloke and settle in for a lush life. You know, every girls dream. At the rate I'm going, I'll end up living under a bridge, and the sad thing is, it will probably be the maumee bridge, not even a cool bridge, because well, I'm sure by now all the cool bridges are taken. There's probably a waiting list. Oh well. C'est la vie.
I think I have a circulation problem, because my feet and my hands are constantly cold, and when I say constantly I mean, seriously all the time. The other day at work I had to go into the bathroom and run hot hot water over them just to get warm, because I was FREEZING, and I am right now, which is why I brought it up. Good one.
Five super cool things that happened lately: 1) There seems to always be super cool music on the radio, 2) H. Biggs and I won the name game Sat. Morning at work 3) I gave a lesson last week, and in less than 1/2 and hour I got one girl to quit taking riding lessons, it was great. 4) I watched, Mean Girls, Saved, Jack & Sarah, & Phonebooth this weekend 5) After this week I'll be down to 3 1/2 jobs!!
So I started my new job yesterday, and let me tell you, I think I'm going to suck at it. And I mean, it's not like I expected to be this totally great server. But I mean, lets face it. I am in no way a nice person. And sometimes I just can't fake it, well so I can never fake it. But I mean, who knows, we'll see I guess. Whopps, hold on, forgot about the dogs. Alright, but besides that, I've got a 2 good looking managers, who are all totally awesome, which helps. You know.
Other than that, life's pretty much the same, which in a way is sad, you know, because, well I'm a loser. But at least I'm comfortable with it. I'm looking for a job. There I said it. And well, this whole process is rather intimidating, not that I don't have a life plan or anything, because I do, I just have it on *pause* at the moment, and was kind of hoping that after awhile it would just kind of kick back into play mode and I wouldn't really have to do anything about it, just kind of roll with it, make some money, move to england marry a rich bloke and settle in for a lush life. You know, every girls dream. At the rate I'm going, I'll end up living under a bridge, and the sad thing is, it will probably be the maumee bridge, not even a cool bridge, because well, I'm sure by now all the cool bridges are taken. There's probably a waiting list. Oh well. C'est la vie.
I think I have a circulation problem, because my feet and my hands are constantly cold, and when I say constantly I mean, seriously all the time. The other day at work I had to go into the bathroom and run hot hot water over them just to get warm, because I was FREEZING, and I am right now, which is why I brought it up. Good one.
Five super cool things that happened lately: 1) There seems to always be super cool music on the radio, 2) H. Biggs and I won the name game Sat. Morning at work 3) I gave a lesson last week, and in less than 1/2 and hour I got one girl to quit taking riding lessons, it was great. 4) I watched, Mean Girls, Saved, Jack & Sarah, & Phonebooth this weekend 5) After this week I'll be down to 3 1/2 jobs!!
