It’s weird, well it is and it isn’t. The ex I wrote about in the previous post, I found out his dad passed away. So, I thought I would be an adult, after over a year of no communication, I wrote him an email, a very short, sweet, to the point email, stating I had heard about his father and was sorry. It contained no amount of emotion leading anyone to believe I had written under any other pretense. It’s not that I expected a grand gesture some kind of long winded reply, or any of the aforementioned feelings, but I did kind of expect a “Thanks”. And I know that’s probably selfish. Ok, it’s really selfish since his dad just died and all (mind you his dad died in November, I didn’t find out until after Christmas) but still, we were pretty much married… a “thanks for thinking of me” shouldn’t have been that far out in left field. And yeah, I’m sure he has a girlfriend, at least I hope we’ve both moved on it’s been forever, but I have no clue who she is, and she should probably have no clue who I was, so responding to a generic email shouldn’t get him in trouble (I’m grasping for reasons he might not have responded here). Like when he and I were dating, and his ex wanted to talk, did I care? Sure it bothered me a bit, but that was a conversation, and I didn’t really care, I didn’t think it was going to lead anywhere, but this, this was a two sentence email that most assuredly wasn’t going to go anywhere, other than what should have been a short and to the point reply.
Do I want to know how his life is going? Well of course, I’m curious, I wouldn’t be human if I wasn’t, and I mean I did love the kid for a few years. But I wasn’t asking for that. I would never ask for that, it would only be okay if both of us were in situations that made it okay.
I’ve been in this totally weird non-relationship, relationship for a year, the last thing I need to do is mess with my mind anymore by adding the ex into the situation. Speaking of, I really do need to end the non-relationship, relationship, because I only use it to fill my time, and he’s eventually going to resent me for it…. If he doesn’t already, and the fact that I don’t really care how he feels just tells me how wrong this whole situation is. This is most certainly reason #598 why I am going to Hell.
So, if I was going to start a goal, it would be to kill the endless road to nowhere, and actually let someone who I might end up liking back into my life.
What I Would Say To My Ex
I should probably preface this with the following is a letter written back in January. It sparks so many emotions in me it’s not even funny. But I need to capture it, because I know how I am, and how often I move, and it will get lost if I don’t get it down here. So, I’m writing this, for you, for me, for him.
The readers digest backstory on this, I let him in again, I know I shouldn’t have, but I’m pretty sure you’ve all heard the saying ‘the heart won’t be denied’ and it’s hard to say no when you’re heart is screaming yes… I led myself into the trap. We’d been talking on and off since I’d made the move from Ohio to Michigan and in December had actually spent part of a weekend together… it was amazing and agonizing at the same time. So much has changed, and so much had stayed the same. And then at Christmas we made plans to get together, to go to a concert when I was in town for a horse show… and then like usual, he pulled the rug out from under my feet a week before we were supposed to get together, telling me he had been seeing someone. The feeling of dread was back, the feeling of being duped, and stupid once again took over. The following is what came out, after a very long cry, and re-centering.
An Open Letter To Boy Who Once Had Me On His Hook,
I’ve learned a lot in the last six months, I’ve learned that I can pour my heart out, tell you I’m leaving town because I can’t stay here without you in my life, but I love you and if you wanted me in your life to contact me… then you blow up my phone, what’s that telling me? You tried to say you just wanted to hook up, but you were also the one who said you can’t have emotionless sex, so bullshit. But no matter how many times you hurt me, I always forgave you. Some would call it stupid, I called it love. But that’s not love is it? That’s a boy using a girl.
Well newsflash, you can’t just sleep with me and expect it not to mean anything to me, you can’t just walk away from me with no regrets or second thought, you can’t just treat me like I’m not even worthy of a conversation – yet you have, you did, you are.
The most important thing this has shown me is that you didn’t love me, you just wanted me to love you. You always disappoint me, it’s kind of our sick inside joke, except it’s not funny. Because that person you love, he can be so nice, then so mean. He can care and protect you, make you laugh, and at the same time play games with your head. And after he’s done with that, he’ll tear your heart out, rip it into the smallest fragments known to man and leave it on the floor, while all you can do is stand there, and you’re numb, because you thought that there was something there, when really there was nothing but a wayward boy out to break a girls heart, because he didn’t know what he wanted.
So why did I come back? Why did I want to make it all work out, get my happy ending? Because the smile in your eyes made some of the lies worth believing. I didn’t understand how you could look at me the way you did, and say you didn’t want to be with me. I didn’t think it was possible.
Out of all the times we’ve played this sick game, this time is different… I don’t think about you the same. I don’t think about you and say to myself ‘I wish he’d love me’ because this morning when I woke up it just clicked… just like that. I realized that you can never love me, you won’t let yourself. But that’s all on you, not me, it was your decision, not mine.
So, let me ruin your life, let me break your heart, then I’ll ask you why we can’t JUST be friends. Let me rip your world into little pieces, let me destroy who you thought you were, and then I’ll tell you, oh I thought you knew that’s what I really meant when we talked.
Obviously I wrote this with the intention of finding the right words to hurt you, the same way you hurt me. But what’s the point? You won’t get it, and even if you did, you wouldn’t believe it. That’s part of your dysfunction. You played the hurt little soldier at first, used and abused by Kate. She had you figured out, that was the problem, she moved on to bigger and better, Bethanne did too, she walked away after college and never looked back. Hell even I saw your issues, I didn’t want to date you, it wasn’t even you I wanted to begin with remember? So suck it up, realize that you’re nothing special, you’re just an asshole and you do asshole things. You bring the drama on yourself, remember that when you’re playing the ‘crazy ex’ card with this new one. Hope she knows how much you like to throw the “L” word around… I mean you told Laura you loved her within a month… and look how well that worked out. I’m pretty sure you don’t know what love is at this point… lust, deception, manipulation, yeah, I think you have those down, but love? You don’t have a clue. I finally got my head clear enough to see the truth.
People have told me that if you love something hard enough things will always work out – those people are wrong.
-Finally Free
Maybe we're not meant to understand...
and maybe at this point that's a good thing!
So I didn't think life could get any nuttier than it was... but alas I was WRONG... dead wrong. So I found out last Tuesday that my place of employment will be shuttering it's door on June 25th. Amazing stuff. So I will be out of a job, with no income, and a house, 2 horses, a car, and all the bills that come with having all of that business... lovely. Soon I'll be knocking on your door asking if I can sleep on your couch, mind you I'll have my two dogs with me as well, so make room!
To be honest maybe this is what I need. A break from reality. Though I guess losing everything you have all at once is a form of reality, maybe not the kind that anyone really wants, but it's probably a form of reality. So all I can do is breathe and try and get through each day. Growing up sucks. This is something I'm actually sure of, and that's the only thing I'm actually sure of at the moment. Oh man Debbie Downer is coming out. Let me shut her back in the closet for awhile... I guess the closet isn't a good place for her, that could lead to all other kinds of connotations, so let's stick her in the laundry room for now, or the basement. That sounds a little better.
Anyway, on a positive note I did get to go back to the burg and do some fun things recently. I had lunch with Zim, who I haven't seen in human form in almost 4 or 5 years. Funny, another life altering choice that I made, and it had been good for us both in the end, but just as life is crumbling on my end her we go back to full circle. Amazing stuff. But I guess people come around for reasons and survival is a good reason to come around. Anyway we had a great bitch fest 09 while eating delicious Texas Roadhouse food, I think our server wanted to kill us since we sat there for almost 2 hours and our bill was only like 20 combined... oh well deal with it! So we made plans for a bitch fest 09 2.0, this time involving drinking and lots of laughing. Good times ahead my friends, good times.
I also was able to give a jumping clinic for the kids at the barn. It was alot of fun and I miss those kids like Whoa. So hopefully now that I am jobless I can get to see them more often. That would be awesome. Considering 4 of my kids are running off to college at the end of the summer... oh man I feel old!
In other news, I managed to plant some flowers and mulch around my garage. Go me! I wanted to whack the rose bushes down in the back by the firepit but I was under-tooled to be able to do that, my $39 hedge trimmers weren't going to cut the mustard on that task, and I knew the weed whacker wasn't going to work either... so maybe I'll just buy some mulch and try and make it look pretty for now... that's really all I can do right?
That's about all I've got going on at the moment... and it's frankly enough to last me awhile.... but I promise! To write more. If nothing else for my own sanity.
Long live oreos.
So I didn't think life could get any nuttier than it was... but alas I was WRONG... dead wrong. So I found out last Tuesday that my place of employment will be shuttering it's door on June 25th. Amazing stuff. So I will be out of a job, with no income, and a house, 2 horses, a car, and all the bills that come with having all of that business... lovely. Soon I'll be knocking on your door asking if I can sleep on your couch, mind you I'll have my two dogs with me as well, so make room!
To be honest maybe this is what I need. A break from reality. Though I guess losing everything you have all at once is a form of reality, maybe not the kind that anyone really wants, but it's probably a form of reality. So all I can do is breathe and try and get through each day. Growing up sucks. This is something I'm actually sure of, and that's the only thing I'm actually sure of at the moment. Oh man Debbie Downer is coming out. Let me shut her back in the closet for awhile... I guess the closet isn't a good place for her, that could lead to all other kinds of connotations, so let's stick her in the laundry room for now, or the basement. That sounds a little better.
Anyway, on a positive note I did get to go back to the burg and do some fun things recently. I had lunch with Zim, who I haven't seen in human form in almost 4 or 5 years. Funny, another life altering choice that I made, and it had been good for us both in the end, but just as life is crumbling on my end her we go back to full circle. Amazing stuff. But I guess people come around for reasons and survival is a good reason to come around. Anyway we had a great bitch fest 09 while eating delicious Texas Roadhouse food, I think our server wanted to kill us since we sat there for almost 2 hours and our bill was only like 20 combined... oh well deal with it! So we made plans for a bitch fest 09 2.0, this time involving drinking and lots of laughing. Good times ahead my friends, good times.
I also was able to give a jumping clinic for the kids at the barn. It was alot of fun and I miss those kids like Whoa. So hopefully now that I am jobless I can get to see them more often. That would be awesome. Considering 4 of my kids are running off to college at the end of the summer... oh man I feel old!
In other news, I managed to plant some flowers and mulch around my garage. Go me! I wanted to whack the rose bushes down in the back by the firepit but I was under-tooled to be able to do that, my $39 hedge trimmers weren't going to cut the mustard on that task, and I knew the weed whacker wasn't going to work either... so maybe I'll just buy some mulch and try and make it look pretty for now... that's really all I can do right?
That's about all I've got going on at the moment... and it's frankly enough to last me awhile.... but I promise! To write more. If nothing else for my own sanity.
Long live oreos.
Suddenly Single, Temporarily Insane
I'm going to include my myspace blog at the bottom of this post, for the shear fact that I want to permanently remember the feelings that I've had the past two weeks, and this is the best way to do it, since I'm contemplating deleting my myspace page since I no longer use it frequently.
I'll never understand why things happen, but I guess that's what makes life worth living. You don't know what to expect, so you kind of have to stick around for to see what's going to happen next. The suspense is too much to take... riighht...
This week has been a kind of epic fail kind of week, just an all around fail. Another down in the dumps, head stuck in a jar, slipped on a banana peel and landed in the mud kind of week. But hopefully, this week turns brighter. I'm hoping for it. Planning for it. COUNTING on it. So it better be!
Some people need time to reorganize after a break up. Some people need to be single, regain who they were, decide where they're going, make a plan of action and follow thru. Separate themselves from their once other half, and build that half back on their own. Me. I need someone in my bed. Now. I know that sounds a bit trite, and probably a bit disturbing. But lets face it, in this kind of situation the only way out is thru and I need to feel vindicated, and pull out ahead of the evil former other half. Even a one night stand at this point would be better than nothing. (Okay, that does sound slightly disconcerting) But I don't need SOMETHING to take my mind off what's going on. I need SOMEONE. So game on. I'm officially on the prowl. That just sounds incredibly disturbing.
Maybe all of this is a sign, a sign that I'm supposed to move to the UK and marry my dream man! I knew I couldn't give up hope of that dream. So I won't. I'm going to make it happen. Just as soon as I escape the torture of fixing up the house and moving on with my life.
I kind of lied before, I do have a plan of action, because I have to have a plan for everything. I don't live on a whim, unless it's a Saturday, and only then do I do things by the seat of my pants, and only then will I do things that I hadn't planned in some fashion of doing. Maybe a trip to the casino is in order. Maybe that would help. I suppose only if I actually won some money, if I went and lost I'd feel even worse, probably not a good thing, eh? So I have my plan, posted on my fridge, and I'm taking steps to accomplish everything on the list, sooner rather than later.
Other than that, I'm going to start updating this thing more frequently. Lucky you. I know. Look for it.
Ninja, Out.
I'll never understand why things happen, but I guess that's what makes life worth living. You don't know what to expect, so you kind of have to stick around for to see what's going to happen next. The suspense is too much to take... riighht...
This week has been a kind of epic fail kind of week, just an all around fail. Another down in the dumps, head stuck in a jar, slipped on a banana peel and landed in the mud kind of week. But hopefully, this week turns brighter. I'm hoping for it. Planning for it. COUNTING on it. So it better be!
Some people need time to reorganize after a break up. Some people need to be single, regain who they were, decide where they're going, make a plan of action and follow thru. Separate themselves from their once other half, and build that half back on their own. Me. I need someone in my bed. Now. I know that sounds a bit trite, and probably a bit disturbing. But lets face it, in this kind of situation the only way out is thru and I need to feel vindicated, and pull out ahead of the evil former other half. Even a one night stand at this point would be better than nothing. (Okay, that does sound slightly disconcerting) But I don't need SOMETHING to take my mind off what's going on. I need SOMEONE. So game on. I'm officially on the prowl. That just sounds incredibly disturbing.
Maybe all of this is a sign, a sign that I'm supposed to move to the UK and marry my dream man! I knew I couldn't give up hope of that dream. So I won't. I'm going to make it happen. Just as soon as I escape the torture of fixing up the house and moving on with my life.
I kind of lied before, I do have a plan of action, because I have to have a plan for everything. I don't live on a whim, unless it's a Saturday, and only then do I do things by the seat of my pants, and only then will I do things that I hadn't planned in some fashion of doing. Maybe a trip to the casino is in order. Maybe that would help. I suppose only if I actually won some money, if I went and lost I'd feel even worse, probably not a good thing, eh? So I have my plan, posted on my fridge, and I'm taking steps to accomplish everything on the list, sooner rather than later.
Other than that, I'm going to start updating this thing more frequently. Lucky you. I know. Look for it.
Ninja, Out.
Life can throw you a curve ball, but you can still hit a homerun.
"Every war has its casualties, and every victory it's price. Nothing really changed that night, nothing big at least, just a little piece of something that was never going to be the same, not ever. The thing is, it's hard to tie a bandage with one hand, but sooner or later, we learn." –Kevin Arnold. The Wonder Years
Wow, so life is crazy right now. Like heart racing, head pounding, arms feel like jello crazy right now. So here it is, you said I’d do it, run and tell ‘anyone who’ll listen’ so I suppose I am…
The boy is gone, he’s decided it’s best for both of us. That was nice of him. I really think it’s easy choice for him. Leave me with the house that I bought, because he liked it alot and we needed a place to live, I really didn’t care where we lived as long as it wasn’t where we were living. Leave me with the bills that have been created because of the house, the need for the dumpster, the need to have the front section of property brush hogged, the house power washed, the basement projects that were started and never finished, the bathroom project that was started and never finished…and he gets to go home to mommy and daddy and being again with no baggage, other than his new found ‘friend’… life is funny.
It’s funny that you think you should hate someone, someone who destroyed your life as you knew it without a second thought in the world, someone who took away all your security and comfort, and did it in the most severe form of betrayal. But yet, I laugh, because I can’t hate him. He was selfish, and didn’t want to work thru issues, saw the easy way out and took it, couldn’t man up and leave a month ago when he found someone new, someone who didn’t have the past we have together, instead he’d tread out on the greener grass a little farther each day, deciding that problems were problems he’d like to leave behind, instead of using the communication he told me he was a master of before we started dating. Did to me what had been done to him, what had been done to friends of his, and something he said he’d never do…
Saying it wasn’t because of her, okay, but she didn’t help the situation. Unhappy? Guess what, I was told I was the only person responsible for my own happiness, so how can I be responsible for someone else’s? Maybe I did take everything for granted, but it wasn’t forever, and I tried to show how I felt, in every little thing I did. Maybe it wasn’t the way he wanted it, but it was all I had to give. But how can the unhappiness over shadow the happiness? How did that happen? I’m still questioning that one. Because in all the times that I was unhappy, all the times I didn’t want to be here, I NEVER wanted to be with someone else, and for all the times I reacted harshly, I knew the good always out weighed the bad, and that this too shall pass. There were times I wanted to walk away, times I wanted to pack it all in, but then something would happen, or there’d be a look, or a smile and I’d realize it was all worth it. The sunshine was worth the pain. I didn’t want this to begin; I fought and fought to stop from creating a situation that would ruin a friendship that was amazing. But you can’t deny feelings.
Two years and it comes down to this... it's amazing how fast things can go from forever to never. Lessons learned, that's for sure. I want to hate him. But I don't. I still have a love for him. It’s a sad sorry kind of love, but I'm no longer in love with him, because this boy who said all the nasty things to me, this boy who treated me less than, the boy who said just play it cool and everything will be okay, while he was testing the waters with someone new, playing with my emotions and saying it would all work out, even though he was already preparing to leave, this is not the boy I fell in love with. The boy I fell in love with used to play with my hair, and sing me silly songs, complain about my socks on the couch, and looked at me like I was the only thing he could see, that's the boy I fell in love with, and that boy left me more than a month ago... it just took me a while to understand that.
But I see it now. And I’m picking the pieces up, thankfully I have friends, GREAT friends. And a support system I never knew existed. So the bills will be paid, the grass will get mowed, the projects that weren’t finished will be finished, and I’ll walk away from it all a little tattered, a little torn, but no worse for wear. And I get to do it knowing I tried harder for this than I’ve ever tried for anything in my entire life. I gave everything I had to give, and it wasn’t enough. The cold eyes that looked past me as he gathered his things told me how little I had actually meant. Though the words of the past tell me otherwise, it’s how it ends that lasts forever. Life wasn’t perfect, I realize that, I didn’t make things easier, but I didn’t give up on it either. And nothing is only one persons fault, I made mistakes too, lots of them, but when you see something happening that affects your future, and you try and control the violent spin that becomes the fallout how is that wrong? How is it wrong to want to hold onto something you want? Something that means everything, something that is a part of you, something you can’t imagine living without? So becoming defensive was my reaction, becoming paranoid for good reason was my reaction, it was over before all of that anyway, trying to show my emotion and happiness ended up being too little, too late, and it’s the past. What’s done is done.
It’s funny how in situations like this people inevitably feel sorry for you, and want to fix the situation, but sometimes there is nothing to fix, nothing to mend, the pieces just don’t fit together anymore, the puzzle is unsolvable. And while it’s nice to hear people support you, and want to support your feelings of anger and rage, it’s nice to hear people laugh and joke too, so thanks to Vegas for yesterday, and yes the wedding is in May. And the dresses will be lime green even though you look good in blue. A smile thru the hurt is a good feeling. “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
After he packed his stuff, everybody told me that I was going to be ok. That, it would take a little time, but I would heal. Well, I don’t know if that’s going to happen; not really anyway. . . What I’m feeling right now, it doesn't ever really go away -- not completely. It's not like, I’m going to go back to being the person I was before he left -- that person's gone. It's more like something inside of you breaks and your body finds a way to compensate for it. Like if you busted your right hand, you figure out how to use the left one. And sure, you might resist for awhile because you're angry that you have to learn all this stuff again that nobody else does. Eventually your body takes over and figures it out for you. And your glad. because if it was up to you. . . you'd look at your broken hand forever and try to figure out what it was like before. But we’re built for survival. So that’s what we do.
It’s funny, because deep down I knew this was coming, there were times when walking away seemed like the best thing in the world, but I always turned back around. Always. He lived for a long time not knowing if I was coming or going. It wasn’t intentional on my part, I was very confused for a very long time, I always prayed that things would get better, that he’d compromise in ways that I wanted, not in just the ways he thought he should. I looked at him and I saw the man I wanted to wake up next to in 25 or 30 years. The person I wanted to build a life with. But that person was a figment of my imagination. He didn’t exist. I created him to deal with the person I was left with.
He tells me that things have been bad since the move, I don’t buy it. Things were off and on trouble, bad, good, and great. The bad times are what are easy to point out. And that’s never a positive thing. But the good times existed. They were everyday things. Lots of them. But I’ll let him believe that. If it makes it easier for him. I guess he had a small taste of what it felt like to leave everything you ever knew, and be expected to adjust right away, leaving you feeling left out, ignored, unloved, and taken advantage of.
I was reading a old blog that I posted in response to something he’d said 2 years ago, and it’s funny that looking back, it was like a letter to the future me…
“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.”
So I’m sorry for being Debbie Downer lately, but hopefully this weekend away is what I need to recharge, and refresh. The dogs come back from their vacation on Sunday, and next week starts the new chapter in our new lives. Just me, Libby & Stewie…trying to get the house ready, funny how I have to fix up a house just so I can move out of it. There’s just something backwards about that… go from living in an entire house on 4.5 acres, to living in one bedroom on a horse farm… I’ll be closer to friends and further from the memories. Thanks again, to everyone for letting me ball my eyes out on your couch, in your truck, via text at all hours of the night, on your floor, at your barn, at the horse show… we’re up to 18 hours now… going strong. Funny, it was always my decision to leave, I just never actually left. And like the saying goes, it’s easier to leave, then to be left behind.
Music to drown sorrows/punch a ex boyfriend to:
Wow, so life is crazy right now. Like heart racing, head pounding, arms feel like jello crazy right now. So here it is, you said I’d do it, run and tell ‘anyone who’ll listen’ so I suppose I am…
The boy is gone, he’s decided it’s best for both of us. That was nice of him. I really think it’s easy choice for him. Leave me with the house that I bought, because he liked it alot and we needed a place to live, I really didn’t care where we lived as long as it wasn’t where we were living. Leave me with the bills that have been created because of the house, the need for the dumpster, the need to have the front section of property brush hogged, the house power washed, the basement projects that were started and never finished, the bathroom project that was started and never finished…and he gets to go home to mommy and daddy and being again with no baggage, other than his new found ‘friend’… life is funny.
It’s funny that you think you should hate someone, someone who destroyed your life as you knew it without a second thought in the world, someone who took away all your security and comfort, and did it in the most severe form of betrayal. But yet, I laugh, because I can’t hate him. He was selfish, and didn’t want to work thru issues, saw the easy way out and took it, couldn’t man up and leave a month ago when he found someone new, someone who didn’t have the past we have together, instead he’d tread out on the greener grass a little farther each day, deciding that problems were problems he’d like to leave behind, instead of using the communication he told me he was a master of before we started dating. Did to me what had been done to him, what had been done to friends of his, and something he said he’d never do…
Saying it wasn’t because of her, okay, but she didn’t help the situation. Unhappy? Guess what, I was told I was the only person responsible for my own happiness, so how can I be responsible for someone else’s? Maybe I did take everything for granted, but it wasn’t forever, and I tried to show how I felt, in every little thing I did. Maybe it wasn’t the way he wanted it, but it was all I had to give. But how can the unhappiness over shadow the happiness? How did that happen? I’m still questioning that one. Because in all the times that I was unhappy, all the times I didn’t want to be here, I NEVER wanted to be with someone else, and for all the times I reacted harshly, I knew the good always out weighed the bad, and that this too shall pass. There were times I wanted to walk away, times I wanted to pack it all in, but then something would happen, or there’d be a look, or a smile and I’d realize it was all worth it. The sunshine was worth the pain. I didn’t want this to begin; I fought and fought to stop from creating a situation that would ruin a friendship that was amazing. But you can’t deny feelings.
Two years and it comes down to this... it's amazing how fast things can go from forever to never. Lessons learned, that's for sure. I want to hate him. But I don't. I still have a love for him. It’s a sad sorry kind of love, but I'm no longer in love with him, because this boy who said all the nasty things to me, this boy who treated me less than, the boy who said just play it cool and everything will be okay, while he was testing the waters with someone new, playing with my emotions and saying it would all work out, even though he was already preparing to leave, this is not the boy I fell in love with. The boy I fell in love with used to play with my hair, and sing me silly songs, complain about my socks on the couch, and looked at me like I was the only thing he could see, that's the boy I fell in love with, and that boy left me more than a month ago... it just took me a while to understand that.
But I see it now. And I’m picking the pieces up, thankfully I have friends, GREAT friends. And a support system I never knew existed. So the bills will be paid, the grass will get mowed, the projects that weren’t finished will be finished, and I’ll walk away from it all a little tattered, a little torn, but no worse for wear. And I get to do it knowing I tried harder for this than I’ve ever tried for anything in my entire life. I gave everything I had to give, and it wasn’t enough. The cold eyes that looked past me as he gathered his things told me how little I had actually meant. Though the words of the past tell me otherwise, it’s how it ends that lasts forever. Life wasn’t perfect, I realize that, I didn’t make things easier, but I didn’t give up on it either. And nothing is only one persons fault, I made mistakes too, lots of them, but when you see something happening that affects your future, and you try and control the violent spin that becomes the fallout how is that wrong? How is it wrong to want to hold onto something you want? Something that means everything, something that is a part of you, something you can’t imagine living without? So becoming defensive was my reaction, becoming paranoid for good reason was my reaction, it was over before all of that anyway, trying to show my emotion and happiness ended up being too little, too late, and it’s the past. What’s done is done.
It’s funny how in situations like this people inevitably feel sorry for you, and want to fix the situation, but sometimes there is nothing to fix, nothing to mend, the pieces just don’t fit together anymore, the puzzle is unsolvable. And while it’s nice to hear people support you, and want to support your feelings of anger and rage, it’s nice to hear people laugh and joke too, so thanks to Vegas for yesterday, and yes the wedding is in May. And the dresses will be lime green even though you look good in blue. A smile thru the hurt is a good feeling. “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
After he packed his stuff, everybody told me that I was going to be ok. That, it would take a little time, but I would heal. Well, I don’t know if that’s going to happen; not really anyway. . . What I’m feeling right now, it doesn't ever really go away -- not completely. It's not like, I’m going to go back to being the person I was before he left -- that person's gone. It's more like something inside of you breaks and your body finds a way to compensate for it. Like if you busted your right hand, you figure out how to use the left one. And sure, you might resist for awhile because you're angry that you have to learn all this stuff again that nobody else does. Eventually your body takes over and figures it out for you. And your glad. because if it was up to you. . . you'd look at your broken hand forever and try to figure out what it was like before. But we’re built for survival. So that’s what we do.
It’s funny, because deep down I knew this was coming, there were times when walking away seemed like the best thing in the world, but I always turned back around. Always. He lived for a long time not knowing if I was coming or going. It wasn’t intentional on my part, I was very confused for a very long time, I always prayed that things would get better, that he’d compromise in ways that I wanted, not in just the ways he thought he should. I looked at him and I saw the man I wanted to wake up next to in 25 or 30 years. The person I wanted to build a life with. But that person was a figment of my imagination. He didn’t exist. I created him to deal with the person I was left with.
He tells me that things have been bad since the move, I don’t buy it. Things were off and on trouble, bad, good, and great. The bad times are what are easy to point out. And that’s never a positive thing. But the good times existed. They were everyday things. Lots of them. But I’ll let him believe that. If it makes it easier for him. I guess he had a small taste of what it felt like to leave everything you ever knew, and be expected to adjust right away, leaving you feeling left out, ignored, unloved, and taken advantage of.
I was reading a old blog that I posted in response to something he’d said 2 years ago, and it’s funny that looking back, it was like a letter to the future me…
“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.”
So I’m sorry for being Debbie Downer lately, but hopefully this weekend away is what I need to recharge, and refresh. The dogs come back from their vacation on Sunday, and next week starts the new chapter in our new lives. Just me, Libby & Stewie…trying to get the house ready, funny how I have to fix up a house just so I can move out of it. There’s just something backwards about that… go from living in an entire house on 4.5 acres, to living in one bedroom on a horse farm… I’ll be closer to friends and further from the memories. Thanks again, to everyone for letting me ball my eyes out on your couch, in your truck, via text at all hours of the night, on your floor, at your barn, at the horse show… we’re up to 18 hours now… going strong. Funny, it was always my decision to leave, I just never actually left. And like the saying goes, it’s easier to leave, then to be left behind.
Music to drown sorrows/punch a ex boyfriend to:
Spill Canvas: Polygraph, Right Now
Butch Walker: Best Thing You Never Had
Carrie Underwood: The More Boys I Meet (the more I love my dog)
Kellie Pickler: Best Days of Your Life
Macy Gray: I try
Maroon 5: Better That We Break
Maroon 5: Through With You
Maroon 5: Nothing Lasts Forever
Matt Wertz: Hiding Behind A Smile
Matthew Perryman Jones: Save You
Every Path Has Its Puddle
And I just stepped into mine... big time!
I haven't written in a long time, good thing, because that means no one is reading this. Which is a great thing, because then I can write without the fear of any of this coming back to haunt me. So if you should be that one person who stumbles upon this, for some unkown reason, and you figure out who I am, or you already know who I am (even though, if I were you, I'd still pretend I had no clue who I was, but that's just me) just forget you ever saw any of this, and let's act like it never happened.
First let me start by saying, I love my cell phone, in fact I love most technology, but I must say that all of this instant information stuff is making me horrbily impatient. Case in point, I'm in Target, trying to buy a TV and I'm looking at the prices thinking, I wonder if I can get this cheaper anywhere else... so I think I'll go home and shop around, but I really want the TV today, (I'm an impulse/then regret it later kind of shopper) so the little light bulb that follows around over my head goes off, and I magically have the answer. So I whip out my phone, and google the TV that I'm looking for. It ended up not mattering anyway because the guy ended up selling me the more expensive TV at the less expensive TV cost. So life was good all around. That was a whole lot of nothing, for no real reason, huh? Anyway, point. I no longer feel like it's a luxury to have this information at my fingertips. It's just something that I SHOULD have, it's now something I'm entitled to have. Lucky me. Or at least that's how I feel. I'm also addicted to it. Like when my phone beeps to tell me I have an email, even at 4am, I wake up and look at it. I'm nuts right? Yep, I thought so.
In other news. If there is any really. My life is a chaotic mess right now. I can't even explain it. It's just a whole big hot mess of crazy. I moved out of my house. I hate my job. Lord knows if I'm still really dating my boyfriend, we don't even know the answer to that one. I feel like I've ignored all of my old friends... life is just BLAH!
There's nothine else really to say. Not anything you might actually want to hear about that is. Maybe after tonight I'll have some good story to share. I'm going to a party for my recently dis-engaged friend, that is being hosted by her pastors wife...
I haven't written in a long time, good thing, because that means no one is reading this. Which is a great thing, because then I can write without the fear of any of this coming back to haunt me. So if you should be that one person who stumbles upon this, for some unkown reason, and you figure out who I am, or you already know who I am (even though, if I were you, I'd still pretend I had no clue who I was, but that's just me) just forget you ever saw any of this, and let's act like it never happened.
First let me start by saying, I love my cell phone, in fact I love most technology, but I must say that all of this instant information stuff is making me horrbily impatient. Case in point, I'm in Target, trying to buy a TV and I'm looking at the prices thinking, I wonder if I can get this cheaper anywhere else... so I think I'll go home and shop around, but I really want the TV today, (I'm an impulse/then regret it later kind of shopper) so the little light bulb that follows around over my head goes off, and I magically have the answer. So I whip out my phone, and google the TV that I'm looking for. It ended up not mattering anyway because the guy ended up selling me the more expensive TV at the less expensive TV cost. So life was good all around. That was a whole lot of nothing, for no real reason, huh? Anyway, point. I no longer feel like it's a luxury to have this information at my fingertips. It's just something that I SHOULD have, it's now something I'm entitled to have. Lucky me. Or at least that's how I feel. I'm also addicted to it. Like when my phone beeps to tell me I have an email, even at 4am, I wake up and look at it. I'm nuts right? Yep, I thought so.
In other news. If there is any really. My life is a chaotic mess right now. I can't even explain it. It's just a whole big hot mess of crazy. I moved out of my house. I hate my job. Lord knows if I'm still really dating my boyfriend, we don't even know the answer to that one. I feel like I've ignored all of my old friends... life is just BLAH!
There's nothine else really to say. Not anything you might actually want to hear about that is. Maybe after tonight I'll have some good story to share. I'm going to a party for my recently dis-engaged friend, that is being hosted by her pastors wife...
A Little Bit About Me, even if you didn't want to know...
I like the color orange. I really like D.J. I miss showing my horse. I hate green beans. I can’t spell really easy words. I don't like chocolate, I live for mountain dew, I like boys with curly hair, I hate wearing shoes, I'm obsessed with brushing my teeth, I don't like the new herbal essence shampoo, I love taking pictures, I hate car rides with other people, but I love to drive. I have an abnormal fear of bananas. I don't think you know me. I like updating my myspace and facebook pages with nonsense. I wish I could spend the rest of my life on a mission trip. I write letters I never intend to send. Sometimes I cry for no reason. I love the city. I feel helpless to help other people. I wish on shooting stars. I remember my old friends and miss them always. I can't talk quick enough for the thoughts in my head, and sometimes mess up the order of my sentences. Dancing around in the living room to loud music is a mandatory Sunday event. I hate to shower. I couldn't live without my dog. I’m sorry. I stare at the IT guy at work and it makes him nervous, I like to dance, even if I dance badly. I don' t like drama. I do love Eric. I say things I don’t mean. I wanted to be a ballerina when I was little, but I fall too easily. I'm a good driver. I hope they fix my dad. I think I'm a bad friend. I'm picky when it comes to certain things. I dance in the car even if people are watching. I'm terrified of people I love dieing, but I'm not afraid of my own death. I like to make people laugh. I should have stayed in vet school. I hate my smile. I love ice pops, and eat them all year round. I love people who understand comfortable silence. I always re-name people, places and things. I worry about the future, and regret a lot of the past, but I love the present. That’s about it. Smile.
